Taco Bell's Mexican Pizza TikTok Musical Is A Vast Conspiracy Against Me Specifically

If you just stopped what you were doing because, way in the distance, you heard a girl who sounds vaguely like me screaming "KILL ME," I'm sorry about that. Taco Bell's official Twitter account has tweeted a link to register to something called Mexican Pizza: The Musical, a TikTok event starring Dolly Parton, happening May 26 at 8 p.m. Eastern time.

#MexicanPizzaTheMusical is really happening. Let's do this! https://t.co/qRGMW1IkGS pic.twitter.com/8GnVdcaBIB

— Taco Bell (@tacobell) May 9, 2022

This is, according to Broadway World, an alleged response to Doja Cat and TikToker Victor Kunda's exchange about what a Mexican Pizza–themed musical could look like. Allegedly, fans were asking for this musical to become a reality. It is the story of the brave grassroots activists who helped bring the Mexican Pizza back to Taco Bell's menu, according to Taco Bell.

And according to me, no it's not. First of all, I was never contacted about the work that I contributed to bring back the Mexican Pizza, and by the way, I did a lot, much of which is housed right here on The Takeout. Who in the Robyn Rihanna Fenty do you think you are, Taco Bell? Me and that guy who started the change.org petition were on NPR talking about the Mexican Pizza together, okay? He got a custom T-shirt and sneak preview of the restored menu item, and I'm happy for him obviously, but I would've loved to have experienced that too.

Taco Bell, I know you guys know about me because I KNOW your ass has Google Alerts set up for whenever I write one of these posts for you to see, so cut the bullshit, okay? What, you don't want to give me any credit, like, at all? The only way Taco Bell can correct for this is by wiring me $3,000. The IRS says I owe them money and they are really not being understanding about it.

Because I'm not a corporate shill for Taco Bell—mostly because they will not let me be—I can say this: I don't believe "fans" "wanted" "this." No one outside of Taco Bell's PR team wanted this. Look, the Mexican Pizza is set to return. That's great. It's like when McDonald's is like, "The McRib is back." If you like the McRib, that's relevant information for you, and you're glad the McRib is back. If you don't care about the McRib, then you think, "The McRib is back" before continuing on with your life.

Also, who is trying to use the hashtag #MexicanPizzaTheMusical. No one uses hashtags anymore. This is overkill. It makes me not even want the Mexican Pizza anymore, which is saying a lot, because I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it for the last few months.

If it were just the musical that would be one thing, but it's all the other PR stuff that's ruining a good thing. The social media campaign! The tweets from Taco Bell's brand account! The Doja Cat jingle, which she admitted to being a contractually obligated thing that she wasn't excited about! All of it!

If this is Taco Bell's way of trying to pander to Indian Americans, by the way, that is humiliating. Yes, we are the definition of cringe as a group, but we are NOT musical theater cringe. You're really doing this during AAPI Heritage Month? Did you know it's also called APAHM? Bet you didn't! No one does!

When Taco Bell tweeted about Mexican Pizza: The Musical, Twitter user @kitser replied with, "I care not about your theatrics until you bring back the sorely missed MEXIMELT!" I do not know what that is, but I also want it back too! What the hell is a Meximelt??? I want one!!!

Most importantly, this brings up a great point: Why can't Taco Bell just focus on doing what they do best, which is concocting really snackable, borderline-messed-up fast food items? What happened to the Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco, and why can't I find it at my local Taco Bell(s) anymore? Why doesn't Taco Bell have Fritos anymore? Have you guys thought about making a Flamin' Hot Cool Ranch Doritos Crunchwrap Calzone? If "capitalism" is supposed to "breed innovation" or whatever, let's get a move on, okay?