Bring Back The Taco Bell Mexican Pizza, Cowards

Well, well, well. Over a year after the beloved Mexican Pizza was cruelly swiped off of Taco Bell menus, there's a rumor that it might return sometime next year. Was this the influence of Doja Cat tweeting about it? Was it the influence of me dining in at a Taco Bell at 2 a.m. a couple of Saturdays ago, taking consecutive chomps into each of the four items I purchased, looking like a bereaved walrus because I missed gnawing my way into a Mexican Pizza? No one can say. It doesn't matter if the rumors are just rumors. What matters is that we have suffered long enough. Bring it back, Taco Bell. No more games.

Taco Bell initially cited environmental concerns when discontinuing the Mexican Pizza, as its packaging allegedly creates over seven million pounds of paperboard material waste every year. And that sounds like a lot, probably. But is axing the Mexican Pizza the best way to be eco-friendly? I mean, the sauce packets are recyclable now, and guess what? Everyone says, "Wow, that's so cool that empty Taco Bell sauce packets are recyclable now" before throwing them in the trash. If anyone has data on how much better discontinuing the Mexican Pizza has been for the environment this past year, please keep it to yourself.

I will compensate by making alternative sacrifices to protect the environment. I'll keep all the Mexican Pizza trash in my apartment. I'll adopt a whale. I will become Taco Bell Greta Thunberg. Mexican Pizza Malala. God, I hope they both have Google Alerts set up for their names.

Plus, the Taco Bell menu features plenty of other menu items that, like the Mexican Pizza, are imperfect but still valuable. The Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch is a gorgeous combo of soft and crunchy—not least of all because it's a crunchy taco inside of a soft taco—but you really need to eat this item immediately, otherwise the hard shell will disintegrate underneath all the nacho cheese. It's like having a TUMS in your mouth for too long. The Nachos BellGrande often comes with a stiff lump of refried beans smack in the middle, as though to say, "Have at it! Do your worst!" and while I love a strong dialogue between Woman and Food, it does require an expenditure of energy to work through. The Fiesta Potatoes are back (thank you!!!), but every time I have a Spicy Potato Taco I think about how good those potatoes would be on top of a Mexican Pizza. We all have flaws.

By the way, this is humiliating. I want to be reunited with a fast food item so bad that I'm making a public plea to a corporation. But since I have little to no skills, this is the battle that I'm best equipped to fight.

As someone who wrote too many words wondering why so many Desis I know live and die by Taco Bell because their parents didn't let them go to parties in high school, I would be remiss not to race-bait a little bit: Taco Bell, if you bring back the Mexican Pizza, I will let your corporate Twitter account tweet like you're on an Indian dance team at the University of Michigan. You can have "it's the return of the mexican pizza for me, fam," "mexican pizza is back which means brown girls everywhere about to go CRAZY fr," and "tfw ur going to taco bell after garba" or truly whatever dumb bullshit you want, locked and loaded. That's how much I need this Mexican Pizza back. Do it! I don't care!!!

And what happens if you don't restore the Mexican Pizza to the menu in 2022? Well, considering that I ordered Taco Bell while writing this, probably nothing. But people would be really excited if you brought the Mexican Pizza back. Lots and lots of people. And wouldn't it feel nice to play the hero?