This Thanksgiving season, I give thanks for Salt Bae. He has been a shining light in these dark times; whenever our spirits have been broken from news of climate change or robots, Salt Bae swoops in and does something both brilliant and baffling, like feuding with a Florida man over gold-plated steaks, or inciting an investigation by the Turkish government after allegedly flashing his followers on Instagram, or engaging in a pull-up contest with Dr. Oz. So what crazy antics has the Bae been up to recently? Giving a freaking master class in dishwashing techniques to the kitchen staff at Nusr-Et Steakhouse and posting the whole thing to Instagram.
“In business,” Mr. Bae captioned the video, “you must to know every details…from A to Z, okey? #saltbae #Saltlife #salt”
Why did Salt Bae post this dishwashing video? Like 99% of what Salt Bae does, that remains unclear. I’ve watched Salt Bae’s dishwashing tutorial about 30,000 times since it was posted three days ago, taking detailed notes as to improve my own dishwashing game. Here’s how you do it:
- Step one: Caress your plate gently as if it were your lover. Stare into the heart of the plate as your hand traces its curves with a soft cloth. Make the plate give itself to you, mind, body, and soul.
- Step two: Throw the plate up in the air and catch it in a way that makes you look badass.
- Step three: Rinse dishes and load them into the dishwasher.
- Step four: Unload the dishwasher, erotically caressing each plate as you go, while a crowd watches.
- Step five: Throw your apron in the air in victory.
And there you have it, folks. We’re all a little smarter, and our lives are just a little bit better, thanks to Salt Bae. Let us all raise a gold-plated hot dog in his honor this holiday weekend.