Spoiler Alert: Don’t read ahead if you don’t want to know how this week’s season finale of The Bachelor turned out—although you probably shouldn’t have looked at the header image either. Sorry.
As another cycle of The Bachelor comes to its end, audiences have been treated to everything from the spectacle of a 27-year-old man fleeing into the Portuguese night over a breakup to a conclusion that essentially rejected the very premise of the show. Bachelor protagonist Colton Underwood—who recently weighed in with The Takeout about whether a hot dog is or is not a sandwich—might have ended up with 23-year-old speech pathologist-in-training Cassie Randolph, but due to the show’s delayed shooting schedule, the couple (who are not engaged) had to remain quiet about their time together until earlier this week.
It’s heartening to learn that Underwood and Randolph managed to keep the spark alive through months of secrecy, thanks to one of gastronomy’s most sensual meals: mustard and crackers.
You heard us: mustard. Say it slow and sexy, it works.
An upcoming People cover story about Underwood and Randolph includes some charming details about bonding over their oddly specific snack habits, as Randolph observes with a hailstorm of exclamation marks:
“The thing I was shocked to find out about Colton is that we both eat the weirdest things. We eat the same! Our first dinner, Colton got some Wasa crackers and a bowl of Dijon mustard, and that was our appetizer. I looked at it and I said, ‘That’s something I would do!’ I knew I definitely loved him then!” Underwood shares her enthusiasm: “I was like, ‘Aw, this is awesome!’ We also both like to throw a bunch of random ingredients in a bowl and call it dinner.”
The Takeout would like to know: What random ingredients do 2019's Grace Kelly-Prince Rainier III throw in a bowl and call dinner? Butter + cream of chicken + corn flakes + hash browns? Eggs + ice cream + leftover hot dog buns? May we also suggest party chicken wings and potato skins? The point we’re trying to make is: Colton! Cassie! The Takeout covets your celebrity endorsement, as we are the pioneers in food media of throwing a bunch of random ingredients in a bowl and calling it dinner.
As for mustard and crackers: It’s easy enough to judge “mustard...as its own dip?” with a mixture of confusion and disquiet in one’s heart, but if it’s good enough for a pair of gorgeous people on television, for whom is it not? We thank The Bachelor for its efforts in the field of increasing mustard’s visibility as the one true culinary aphrodisiac, and wish Colton and Cassie a future full of happiness and confusing hillocks of mismatched food.