Hey Colton “The Bachelor” Underwood, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Photo: Aaron Poole (ABC), Illustration: Natalie Peeples
Is A Hot Dog A Sandwich?Is A Hot Dog A Sandwich?Welcome to Is A Hot Dog A Sandwich? in which The Takeout asks famous and important people to answer the most important question to ever beguile the human race.

On February 11, our own Gwen Ihnat wrote the following:

We Bachelor fans are a patient lot... It looks like this week we finally get the scene that has been teased in the previews from the beginning: The moment when Colton [Underwood, the star of the current season of The Bachelor] finally gets so fed up, he jumps over the mansion wall and makes a run for it. He’s a professional athlete, so I guess that stunt wouldn’t be too difficult a move for him. But I am really looking forward to Bachelor host Chris Harrison jogging around the grounds and yelling out “Colton!” in the middle of the night.

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Again, that was February 11. That fence jump happened last Monday. But it was worth the wait. (Though, like almost everything Bachelor-related, there’s a hell of a lot of filler. Skip to the one-minute mark.)

I’m not a longtime Bachelor fan. I wouldn’t even really call myself a fan now. But first I got sucked into the drama at the end of the last season of The Bachelor—dude got engaged to a woman, then dumped her, at great length, on television—and then when said dumped woman became The Bachelorette, I obviously had to see what happened. And then the aw-shucks dopey football-playing virgin got sent home right before they reached the doin’ it portion of the proceedings, and said aw-shucks guy became The Bachelor, and here we are, on the eve of the two-part finale. I’m not proud, but I will sure-as-shit be watching, and there will be draaaaamaaaaaa.

Could any of it possibly top that fence-jump, though?

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The powers that be at ABC teased that fence-jump for a long-ass time. They teased it from the very beginning of this season. They teased it so hard that, when I spoke briefly with Underwood at an event in Los Angeles in early February, it was one of two things I asked him about. “I’ve done a lot of athletic things in my life,” he said, “but that was one of the more graceful things I think I’ve ever done.” I responded that it did indeed seem very graceful, and that he just kinda sailed over the thing. He made an aw-shucks face, and responded, “Adrenaline is a hell of a drug.”

That’s the second thing I asked him. The first is below. He was very nice, and was wholly unprepared for such a question. Just thought I’d mention that, for absolutely no reason.

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The Takeout: Is a hot dog a sandwich?

Colton Underwood: No, a hot dog is its own genre.

TO: What makes it not a sandwich?

CU: I would say the shape of it. A square is a square, and a rectangle is a rectangle.

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TO: So, a sandwich is what?

CU: A sandwich is circular. A hot dog is not circular.

TO: Okay. So, what about, say, a tuna fish sandwich, which is square?

CU: But what is—what is on that sandwich? Is it a bun? Anything with a bun is a sandwich, but a hot dog bun is not the same thing.

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TO: But, what about bread? Like, sandwich bread? Is it a sandwich if it’s on sandwich bread?

CU: Yes. One hundred percent.

TO: Okay. So... a bun, or bread, but not—

CU: Okay, a sandwich—stay with me for a second—a sandwich has a bottom bun and a top bun. That’s why you call it a sandwich. Because you’re sandwiching it in. A hot dog is not a sandwich. It has a bun, because there’s nothing on top. It’s exposed.

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Colton Underwood, also exposed, will appear in the two-part 23rd season finale of The Bachelor this week, airing Monday, March 11, and Tuesday, March 12, at 8 p.m. Eastern on ABC.

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About the author

Allison Shoemaker

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves television, bourbon, and dramatically overanalyzing social interactions.