Been a while since we’ve published penis news here at The Takeout. Of course, we’re not opposed to reporting on the schlong beat; earlier this year, we chuckled after a man cited “emotional distress” upon receiving a chocolate penis in the mail. Then there was the case of the emergency Bean Peen, an image that will certainly linger in my consciousness until the day I die. And today in penis news, parents in a small Tennessee town seem to have discovered penis candy in their children’s Halloween hauls.
Portland, Tennessee news outlet WKRN reports that pictures of “multi-colored candy shaped like male genitalia” were posted in a Portland community Facebook. The pictures came courtesy of several parents who discovered the candy in their children’s Halloween bags.
“I was just floored, oh my goodness, because you don’t expect that, but you never know what to expect,” said Amy Coleman, one of the concerned parents in the group. Coleman didn’t actually discover the penis candy; instead, she heard about it from her next-door neighbor. “I made the post... because I just feel like if it was next door it could have been in anyone else’s bags, and apparently there were different styles in some of the bags.”
Ah, different styles, you say. We talking different lengths? Girths? Fancy designs and patterns?
WKRN reports that, since Coleman’s post, parents seem to have pinpointed the candy’s origins, tracing it back to a specific subdivision. “That’s our first year trick-or-treating there and that’s probably going to be our last,” Coleman said. Other parents agreed, commenting on Coleman’s post and calling the situation “disgusting,” “sick,” and “cruel.”
Public outrage aside, the Portland sheriff’s office told WKRN that they are not involved. Portland police added that they have not received any official complaints and are not investigating the incident. This begs the question: Is penis Halloween candy the new poison Halloween candy?