Do you love surprises? I love surprises. I love opening my mailbox to find a generous TJ Maxx coupon. I love when my nosy neighbor brings me a scone because he baked too many and wants to peer inside my apartment. I love walking down the street and hearing a man scream in agony because he’s crammed six kidney beans up his urethra. Ah, life’s little miracles!
The aforementioned bean-filled urethra belongs to a 30-year-old Michigan man who, per the Daily Mail, inserted the beans for, ahem, sex stuff. At first, I wondered if he just needed some additional storage space; perhaps he had already stuffed his pockets with beans and needed to tote exactly six more to a picnic or something. But no; these were definitely sexy beans. Use your imagination.
The Daily Mail explains that the man was initially planning to “express the beans” via “natural emission.” I’m not going to spell out the kind of natural emission the man was referring to, but I’ll give you a hint: it’s not pee. When natural emission failed, the man tried to pluck the beans out using tweezers. When that failed, he went to the hospital. There, he confessed that he was a fairly experienced bean inserter, but had “never attempted to utilize this many beans.”
The man’s doctors wrote about the incident in the journal Urology Case Reports in a report that is quite literally titled “Beans in the wrong stalk: A case of urethral foreign bodies.” In the report, the doctors explain that urologists managed to remove one bean manually, extracting the remaining five beans surgically, including one that had made it into his bladder. Doctors wrote there was “minimal” trauma to the man’s urethra and the patient was discharged on the same day. I’m looking forward to the upcoming made-for-TV film: Fantastic Beans and Where to Find Them.