Florida has a fever or something. That’s the only rational way to explain the endless fount of weird stories from the state about people getting arrested for the sort of chaos that screenwriters are usually hired to dream up.
The Rolodex of madness is ever-growing, and in today’s southeastern U.S. news, a man was arrested for driving a golf cart on surface roads—not a golf course—while reportedly three times over the legal limit. In this instance, the culprit was Fireball, everyone’s least favorite shot to receive at a bar from an overzealous college friend.
WFTV-9 reports that 45-year-old Dean Hooks was pulled over by deputies in Sumter County (west of Orlando) on Thursday night, after a call was made that Hooks was dozing off behind the wheel of a golf cart, waiting for a red light to change. The report suggests that the situation did not improve from there:
Hooks seemed groggy, his eyes were watery and bloodshot, he smelled of alcohol and he had difficulty answering simple questions, including when he was asked for his name, investigators said. They said he became very defensive when he was asked for his address and his date of birth.
Deputies said Hooks told them he does not normally wear glasses, but he had a pair of glasses hanging from his shirt.
An open bottle of Fireball, and four other miniatures, were found on Hooks’ person. He then proceeded to deliver the kind of field test that will make you double-check it to make sure you read it right:
Investigators said Hooks provided two breath samples, which registered alcohol concentrations of 0.285 g/210L and 0.292 g/210L. The legal limit in Florida is 0.08 g/210L.
Has anything good ever happened in the wake of cracking open a bottle of Fireball, to say nothing of subsequently getting behind the wheel of a golf cart? It unleashes something almost Four Loko-ian in the consumer. In that respect, it might make for a solid official Sunshine State whiskey.
Also, as a reminder that we should not have to give but always will, never drink and drive, ever, for any reason. No, it does not matter what you’re driving.