We could probably all use a candle that smells like pickles

Saturday, November 14, is National Pickle Day. Because every single day is a National Something Day. Firehouse Subs is celebrating by giving away free candles designed to look like the five-gallon buckets that Firehouse pickles come in. Though the candles only weigh in at 13 ounces, they do actually smell like pickles. Essential housewares, right?

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This is according to a press release. Apparently the actual pickle buckets are pretty popular, as they’re sold at all Firehouse Sub locations for $3 and proceeds benefit the Firehouse Subs Public Safety Foundation. These things start off with approximately 300 pickles in them (pickles, heaven in the mouth, hell in the stomach), or five gallons’ worth of condiments and sides. But once the buckets are emptied and purchased for general use, apparently they’re pretty handy for all things you use buckets for, just like those Home Depot orange buckets, but more stylish. You want to bang on them like a drum? Perhaps you’d like to fill them with compost? The bucket world is your oyster.

This pickle-scented candle joins the pantheon of food-scented items you’re supposed to light on fire, including the KFC firelog, which was released again this year. Did it actually smell like 11 herbs and spices? Spoiler alert: no. But the roster of fast-food-scented candles is impressively long, according to Food Network. This is a fact that I find extremely amusing. But it takes nearly nothing to amuse me, for I am a man of simple tastes. Some of these are gems.

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McDonald’s even released a six pack of candles that, when burned together, allegedly evoked the sum of its parts: a Quarter Pounder. These candles were meant to smell like bun, ketchup, pickle, cheese, onion, and 100% Fresh Beef. Other candle innovations were from KFC (gravy, fried chicken), Dunkin’ (donuts and coffee), and Qdoba (queso). The world is truly a marvelous place.

Staff writer at The Takeout. Also: Saveur Humor Blog Award Winner, professional pizza maker, and insufferable troublemaker.

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DISCUSSION

My grandmother was born on Nov. 14. She’d be 90 this Sunday if she were still with us.

And she taught me one of the most important lessons of my childhood.

“Save the pickle.”

To this day, when I’m at a really good Jewish deli, I always eat the pickle last.

Which is funny, because my grandmother wasn’t Jewish. She was born in France, learned English in Boston, and sounded like a cross between Julia Child and Lenny Clarke.