Graphic: Karl Gustafson
FeaturesStories from The Takeout about food, drink, and how we live.  

Previously on Elite Egg, some eggs beat some other eggs, then a set of different eggs defeated even more eggs, and then the first set of egg victors faced off against the second set of champion eggs. Read the rules, such as they are, here. 


And here we are. The big one. Let’s get down to business.

Scrambled (1) vs. Poached (2)

Before we begin, a quick aside. Don’t you hate it when this happens? I recognize that sports and sports movies are two different things, but a major sporting tournament in which the final two teams left standing are exactly the two that you expected is always kind of a letdown. Wouldn’t it have been nice for over-medium to make it this far? Have I made a huge mistake? I wanted to be able to shout Do you believe in miracles!?” at the end of this thing. Alas.

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It may not make a good sequel to Space Jam, but the final two entrants in this totally subjective bracket are the most deserving. From the “Pots” conference: the poached egg, an elegant, decadent, runny masterpiece of culinary wonder. From “Pans”: the scrambled egg, a key element of the overall life philosophy of one Ron Swanson, a dish so cherished it inspired a whole Takeout video series. Two titans of breakfast, and of breakfast for dinner. Two eggs enter. Only one will leave.

The seeding is correct here. Scrambled eggs have a definite advantage. Marks in favor:

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  • They’re everywhere, all the time. A food this popular must be doing something right.
  • Bad scrambled eggs are very bad, excellent scrambled eggs are divine. The gulf in the middle is filled with mostly pretty good eggs! If they’re neither pebbles nor soup, you’re probably doing okay. If you’ve got a flame, a pan, eggs, and any sort of attention span, you can make decent scrambled eggs.
  • Great as a canvas for other ingredients, but equally as great on its own.
  • Who doesn’t love a fluffy egg? Little salt, little pepper, maybe some hot sauce. Wonderful.

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Marks against scrambled eggs:

  • Poached eggs are better than scrambled eggs.

And that’s really all there is to it.

A perfect poached egg is a marvel. Sure, they can be daunting to cook, though all one really needs is practice. And it’s the perfect egg for one’s put-an-egg-on-it impulses (my current favorite egg-on-it dish: potato and asparagus hash with pancetta).

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Marks against the poached egg:

  • Some people don’t like runny eggs. I am not one of those people.

Marks in favor:

  • All of them.

BRB, have to grab some white vinegar and make one immediately, I’ve got leftover fried rice in the fridge and a yearning for some culinary perfection. All hail the champ.

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Winner of The Takeout’s Elite Egg 2019: Poached

Photo: monitor6 (iStock)

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