Wendy's Continues Being Petty In Extremely Dumb Bacon-Off With McDonald's

Is love really love, when it flows forth from a place of darkness? Should we accept tributes and protestations that arises not from abiding affection and tenderness, but from petulance and spite? Oh, no. What sorry hours await those who welcome love given only to wound another. As Shakespeare himself once wrote, "Love is not love / Which alters when it alteration finds." Beware such love. Beware such folly. Beware, in short, of Wendy's, which offers free bacon in the name of the love of bacon, but does so only to dunk on McDonald's.

That knowledge arrived like a thunderbolt, with this press release. It is done, the headline declares, for the love of bacon, but it is not so. It cannot be. Wendy's proves its own falsehood with this single brief paragraph:

Wendy's is the Boss of Bacon. To prove it, we're offering a free Baconator AND $0 delivery through DoorDash with $10 purchase, from January 28—February 4. Yeah, you read that right, A FREE BACONATOR. Not for an hour, a whole week. Because bacon deserves that much more.

This is not about bacon! It is certainly not about love. Wendy's cares not what bacon deserves, nor what we deserves. It cares only to preen and strut before McDonald's, sneering and smiling in adolescent rage. It's not about love, it's about the Bacon Hour, happening today from 4 to 5 p.m.

We must acknowledge that this streak of belligerence was not hitherto unknown to us, and yet, we allowed ourselves to be wooed! We have been willfully blind to certain foibles and inadequacies, tempted as we were by the return of the Giant Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, the wonder that is the Wendy's Frosty tag, the pure delight of the Frosty 5K, and the undeniable pleasure of pouring booze into a Frosty. (What? We love a Frosty.) And now, our foolish hearts pay the price.

Wendy's may protest. They may send out Smug Wendy, her arms full of rose-shaped nuggets, and a sign bearing the promo code, "FREEBACONATOR." She will smirk, and the smirk will say no, this is real, this is sincere, this is from the heart. She may argue that delivery is also free, and that a $10 purchase is not too much to ask. But look in those black eyes and you will see only anger—anger at another. But we have, at long last, learned our lesson. We know ourselves better than we did before. We are stronger than yesterday, now it's nothing but our way. Our loneliness ain't killing us no more. We reject this false love, Wendy's!

Be wary of such pretenders. The code is FREEBACONATOR.

We leave you, Wendy's, with a parting word of advice. This petulance is unbecoming. Should you really wish to strike at the heart of McDonald's, do not take advantage of our love for bacon. Do not rage and storm. Here is the most savage blow of all:

The same goes for you, Burger King.