Last Call: Hear us out... do you want to eat the Pillsbury Doughboy?

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Image for article titled Last Call: Hear us out... do you want to eat the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Photo: Noam Galai (Getty Images)

Let’s be honest with ourselves: We’ve all reached the point of the quarantine where we’re following some pretty weird trains of thought. For example, my coworkers and I were putting our heads together this afternoon, trying in earnest to imagine what the Pillsbury doughboy’s insides were like. Are they light and pillowy, or dense and glutinous? Would you... eat him? Is that considered cannibalism, given that he’s an anthropomorphic mascot who, while perhaps made out of dough, still has all the faculties and animation of a human? I never thought that these mildly cannibalistic matters would be at the front of my mind while sheltering in place, but then again, I never thought I’d see Steak-umm become the voice of a generation, either.

While thinking through all of this, I began to consider the anthropomorphic icons we’ve known and loved for our whole lives, yet have had no problems eating on a daily basis. I’ve never once felt a twinge of remorse for pouring Mrs. Butterworth’s innards all over my waffles. I look at the Kool-Aid guy and think, “I would like to drink the juices inside that gentleman’s head.” I have done beautiful things with Pillsbury dough, and I’d have no problem ripping that adorable little doughboy into pieces if I needed him for a recipe.

Anyway: food mascots. Let’s discuss the best ways to trap and eat them. I’ve got some very exciting ideas for suckling peanut.