In this week’s second of two episodes of the show we’ll now call Wow, Tammy, That’s A Choice, Peter the Pilot made some decent decisions in very strange fashion. (Oh, right—did they make clear he’s a pilot? Because he’s an actual pilot, that’s his job.) He showed one shifty-ass person the door, but did it in the middle of a cocktail party when he could have just as easily done it in the last rose ceremony. Then on two separate “dates,” he waited until his companion seemed the most messy and chaotic to say, “Yes, this snot-covered vision of indecision is exactly what I’m looking for in a wife.” And he also “acted” in a “date” that showed up in an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race several seasons ago, which is just bonkers. But hey, at least he got his stitches out.
The Wow, Tammy producers, however? They had a hell of a week. Tammy was just firing on all cylinders! And so was Mykenna! They had themselves two women, both of whom were clearly imagining themselves to be the hero of some huge story, one defending her soul against slanderous accusations of being 22 and kind of a drama queen, the other defending Peter from the machinations of a room full of women who agreed to come on a reality show and make out with a stranger in exchange for fame and Instagram followers, which they all did, because if they just wanted love they’d be home on a dating app. And both of those two “heroes” were suuuuuuuper wrong about her role in the telenovela of Pedro, and it was pretty hilarious. Plus the producers made Peter and Brunette Victoria shimmy underneath a horse. A+.
But here’s the real question: Is Peter getting enough protein?
Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?
He did! Twice!
I cannot tell you how much it delights me that not only did he eat food, but as with the pierogies, it is a food specifically linked to the place they’ve traveled. Meet completo italiano:
It’s a Chilean hot dog topped with mayonnaise, tomatoes, and avocado (mimicking the red, white, and green of the Italian flag), and according to this piece from The Culture Trip, it’s notoriously messy. Hence the weird mayo-kissing. Mayo-kissing is actually a pretty apt term for much of what goes on in Bachelor Nation.
Anyway, after Peter had Hannah Ann “cancel” her “girl’s day,” they went on an adventure throughout Santiago, which mostly involved making a scene in the street and talking to a totally random, not-at-all-staged Chilean couple who just so happened to be ordering coffee at the right moment. And they mayo-kissed.
Large quantities of meat
They saved it for the end-of-episode tag, but during his second one-on-one of the episode (which was also his second one-on-one with Brunette Victoria and his first one-on-one with Victoria but without country singer Chace Rice), he ate a lot of meat.
He told her he was going to have the meat sweats later, which perhaps explains why she was a little iffy on the whole “you should be my husband” thing while they were having their deep conversation on that random cart.
He also drank a lot of wine.
What didn’t The Bachelor eat this week?
Polenta and a frozen fajita veggie blend
On his date with Hannah Ann, who he left at the dinner table because she wasn’t crying enough—seriously, that’s pretty much what happened, and once she walked over and started crying he gave her a rose—the pair did not eat what appears to be (L) a mound of rice and a large piece of chicken or pork, and (R) polenta, a large piece of gray meat, and some of those “fajita mixes” you buy in the freezer section which are basically just a collection of red and green peppers and some onions. Here’s what confuses me: They are definitely not going to eat those things, so why two different meals? Is Peter offended by rice? Does the smell make him sick? Is it bad for his wound to be in the presence of rice? Why two meals? Why?
These food props
The “group date” for this episode involved all of the women playing roles in a fake telenovela called El Amore De Pedro, which is hilarious. Basically all of them are bad at it. They do not eat the food, which one assumes is fake; they also do not eat any craft services that we can see.
And The Bachelor, you are no RuPaul’s Drag Race.
What is delicious about this segment, however, is that the powers that be make Mykenna play the overlooked maid and Tammy play the bitchy asshole neighbor, thus setting up a whole world of drama to come. Well played, producers.
Cold cuts, large pieces of cheese, some grapes, and all but one cracker
At the evening portion of the group date, Peter sends Blonde Victoria home because the Alayah situation (the baffling unnecessary lies, I’m guessing) put a damper on their blossoming love. It is very satisfying. Then he goes off and makes out with Madison while these two buttheads yell at each other. During the yelling, Mykenna eats one cracker!
A few more quick things about this segment: First, Natasha speaks for all of us at home with the face pictured above. Second, at one point Tammy storms off with a glass of wine in hand, presumably upon realizing she is definitely going to get a terrible edit, and as she does so, Kelsey calls after her, “Go be an alcoholic,” which seems cruel until you remember that Tammy told anyone who would listen that Kelsey was an alcoholic for getting drunk and having feelings. It is hilarious and awesome. And third, this:
That is awesome, but Madison, friend, you’d better find yourself some drama real quick because Peter just can’t get enough of the stuff.
Three large carrots, a fake steak, and some salmon
At his dinner with Brunette Victoria, who is either a master manipulator or would like to be sent home please, Peter does not eat three large sliced carrots, a fake-looking steak, and a piece of broccoli. Victoria, who we learn in the tag is a vegetarian, does not eat a large piece of salmon and some broccoli. These people must be constantly starving.
Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?
Kelley, better known as “the one who is far too well-adjusted to be on this show but is still kind of killing it,” got asked to play Pedro’s abuela in the fake telenovela and was just really great and funny. She rules. I hope she’s enjoying her free travel and eating some good meals. She certainly does not seem bothered by pretty much anything. Here, three portraits of women waiting to see who gets the final rose:
As the young people say on the internet, we have no choice but to stan.