We learn a lot about Peter this week. We learn that he wants either two or four kids because he sure as shit is not going to sit with a kid on a rollercoaster but he doesn’t want the odd-numbered kid to sit by themselves. We learn that he does not know how to polka. We learn that he pretty much believes whatever someone tells him as he hears it, and then believes the exact opposite moments later. And we learn that he’s a pilot. Did you know he’s a pilot?
In the fourth week of season 857 of The Bachelor, Peter and his many “girlfriends” jet off to the metropolitan paradise that is Cleveland, Ohio, the beginning of a journey that will never again lead to the weird model home that is the Bachelor Mansion. The ladies of the model home don’t react well to the notion of visiting scenic Cleveland, which tells me two things: First, they don’t know about Cleveland’s pierogi scene, and second, they’ve never seen this episode of 30 Rock.
So what happened, culinarily speaking, in the Cleve?
Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?
HE DID! HE ATE FOOD! TWO DIFFERENT FOODS! ALSO BEER AND WINE!
On a one-on-one date with Kelsey, sometimes called Ol’ Champagne Face*, Peter and Kelsey are lured by the siren song of a pierogi vendor. This is wholly understandable. Pierogies are delicious; they are also not a food everyone has experienced if they grew up somewhere without a sizable Polish population. I learned this when I saw a pierogi truck with my partner, who had recently moved from Portland, Oregon to Chicago, and my excitement was met with a blank stare. Kelsey says she’s never had one before, but that the pierogies remind her of home—she’s from Iowa, so maybe it’s just related to a general midwestern appreciation for potatoes and/or fried things?
I see no sauerkraut, onions, or sour cream, but you know what, I’m going to let that slide because it is a food and it was consumed and that’s a win. We’ll take the W.
Philips 3200 Series Espresso Machine With Milk Frother
The one you've waited for
This machine brews espresso, espresso lungo, americano, and regular coffee, as well as steams milk and dispenses plain old hot water.
* — I’m starting it now.
That’s right, another actual food! And on the same date! In the same montage! It looks like maybe there are gummies on top, but who cares, two foods on one date. Has to be a record.
Another win. A messy one.
Yuengling, I’m guessing
I’m assuming it’s Yuengling, because everyone knows Yuengling is the traditional cheap beer of choice for holidaymakers at America’s Roller Coast. That’s where producers sent Peter and his other one-on-one date, Brunette Victoria, for her day from hell. While my first piece of advice to anyone thinking about doing a reality television show would be “don’t,” the second would be, “don’t ever tell the producers you’re afraid of heights or they’ll shove you in a two-seat plane flown by a giddy windmill-banger and send you off to a place filled with rollercoasters and other height-related amusements where you’ll scamper around in the rain, puking in trash cans when you can escape the cameras, and they’ll feed you only beer before plopping you on a tiny stage while a dude you used to bonk sings a song as the giddy pilot boot-scoots beside you.”
Hey, at least you got a decent lager. Even if you did have to go on rollercoasters in the rain to get it.
For what it’s worth, Brunette Victoria did both the right and strategically sound thing there, which was to tell him about the drama before it exploded in his face. Even if it did mead to her running off to stand in a corner again.
It’s a classic. He drank it. Luckily, he had some pierogies first.
What didn’t The Bachelor eat this week?
This writer’s rational mind is aware that these episodes were filmed and edited well before this food-centric series of recaps launched, yet it’s hard to dismiss the sense that Chris Harrison isn’t trolling The Takeout personally by entering a scene and saying this:
...and then following that with absolutely no biscuit-making. They do not enter the kitchen. No one has flour on their hands. No one is easting a biscuit. No one is staring off into space with a dumb grin on their face because they can smell the biscuits baking. Nary a biscuit is mentioned or seen for the remainder of these two hours.
It’s a personal affront, and it will not stand.
Yellow substance and a potato-mushroom-eggplant
As is customary, Peter gets “dinner” with his two one-on-one dates. With Brunette Victoria, he gets yellow substance:
What is that, a shallow quiche? A hunk of cheese? Maybe a thin piece of cheesecake? There’s also a glossy mushroom/eggplant/potato/rock with some greens:
With Kelsey, it’s a pile of bread to go with their red wine. I assume the bread will be dipped in the wine, to honor The Irishman.
Champagne, not stolen
The women who don’t get a one-on-one are basically two steps away from unionizing after Peter makes them play football and pummel each other, spends all his time with the injured person who can’t play at all, then spends the entire cocktail party dealing with Alayah (gasp), who returns from the dead to stir up more shit. It is hilarious and awesome. They are livid and it is completely understandable. The camera shows all their bruises and stuff, as though it is not the producers themselves who came up with that idea. But at least they get to drink some champagne, which was pilfered from exactly no one, as far as we know. Cheers, and a glass of Iowa’s finest for you, and you, and you, and you. And none for Peter Weber.
And when Alayah comes back, what do those women have to sustain them? A bunch of beige snacks that no one eats.
There’s a little bowl of some kind of red thing in the middle, too. No one eats it. It’s probably wise. They all deserve to stress-eat, but those I’d suggest avoiding.
Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?
HER. HER HER HER.
Let’s talk about this hero. I had to look up her name, because she is not getting enough screen time. This is Natasha, she of last week’s “snap, crackle, and fuckin’ pop.” Natasha wound up with a wrapped knee.
She also did this.
Natasha, you are too good for this show. Please do Bachelor In Paradise. That’s the good one. You’ll be funny and smart and we will all make so many GIFs of you saying amazing things. Or go be happy and live your life. Whatever you want.
But you know what, get this woman some comfort food, too.