The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC

Is it just me, or is Peter incredibly bad at this? In the first of two episodes this week—the next one, two hours long, this one, three hours long—Peter continues to do just about everything wrong. He’s “following his heart” right into absolute bedlam. Remember that “my subs have unionized” thing? Peter is saved from that situation only by the fact that some of these women just absolutely cannot stand each other and/or cannot resist the urge to start shit. (And come on, at least a third are anti-union.) Someone comes up to you to tell you all about how crappy someone else is, and you reward them for their honesty, knowing full well you’ll be enraging 11 other mostly drunk people in heels who’ve been given only bagel chips with relish on top for sustenance? Then you’ve made your bed, and you should Alayah in it.

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Every season of this show and its endless spinoffs is frustrating. That’s a feature, not a bug. But this season feels particularly uggggggggggh (a technical term) because not only is Peter just screwing things up left and right, but most of the women are making similarly baffling choices. Do they not realize there are cameras? Are they unaware that we can see and hear them when they speak? Most of the women who’ve had lots of camera time have routinely contradicted themselves, from Kelsey being upset about the champagne even though it isn’t about the champagne to Sydney insisting that she, unlike Peter’s other 11 girlfriends, only talks to him about their relationship, when we all watched her stir up that shit with Alayah. They are all full of shit, with the slightest handful of exceptions and near-exceptions, two of whom got bounced tonight in favor of a weepy lady who can’t stop moving her tongue and a house-flipper who spent much of the evening blithely telling anyone who would listen that a woman she barely knows is for sure an alcoholic (again, on camera).

In short, it was a shitshow—but hey, at least Peter didn’t attempt to reveal his decisions at the Rose Ceremony through a mysterious, largely untested app. Perhaps things would go better if they ate more regularly?

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Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?

Only if you use the term “eat shit” to describe when someone is clumsy and falls. If so, then Peter ate shit.

Shit

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If you’re just reading these recaps and not watching the show, that is Peter attempting to board a golf cart, hitting his head on the golf cart, and his head bouncing off the golf cart and into the pint glass he had in his hand, an event that resulted in him receiving 22 stitches in his forehead. I have watched it 200 times.

Wine

He also drank a lot of wine.

What didn’t The Bachelor eat this week?

These cows

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC
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Listen, it’s slim pickings, food-wise, in the Bachelor-verse this week. The episode opens where the last one left off, with Peter’s many girlfriends in open revolt before the rose ceremony. The issue centers on Alayah, who got the dreaded “not here for the right reasons” from Sydney a few weeks ago, was eliminated by Peter, showed up at the evening portion of a group date, was invited back by Peter, and then got the rose for a date that she did not even attend in full. Then she started some shit, which is pretty much her job at this point—once you know you’re the reality TV villain, you might as well lean in.

But the other inmates are mad, so he eliminates her and some others, and then it’s off to Costa Rica, where he flies over those cows. I like to imagine that Ashley P., the emotional support cow from the season premiere, fled to Costa Rica after she was eliminated, and she’s the one mugging for the camera.

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Anyway, he didn’t eat the cows.

Grapes and unidentified meat

Peter’s first one-on-one date is with Sydney, who definitely doesn’t like to cause drama, no sir, not her. Their first stop is a clump of furniture in a field, which Sydney reaches by riding on Peter’s back, doing her best impression of the Paul Rudd/Hot Ones meme all the while.

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Gif: YouTube/First We Feast

At the weird furniture clump, they find a bottle of sparkling wine, some grapes, and maybe a pile of pepperoni?

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Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC

Also, see that weird empty table? For a while this thing is on it:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC
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So there’s that thing, too. They did not eat the pepperoni. During this sequence, the women—Kelsey in particular—are all back at the resort throwing back wine, so just imagine the contrast.

Carrots, green stuff, yogurt/rice, a flower, something that is either meat or a piece of pie, and a delicious fact

Then they go to “dinner.” Here’s all the stuff other than the maybe-pie and the fact:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC
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Here’s the maybe-pie-probably-meat:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC
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Sydney spends much of this date talking about what a hard time she had in high school, and I’m sure she did, because high school blows, even before you fold in racist assholes. I do want to note, however—and this is the delicious fact—that her assertion that she ate lunch alone in the bathroom every day is probably an exaggeration, per the internet:

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Just remember that everyone on this show has agreed to make out with a stranger on television, no matter how fervently they insist that they are “real.” Never fear, she gets the rose.

Oh, and speaking of realness: Blonde Victoria is shady as hell.

Bagel chips with goop and stuffed mushrooms

The group date is, unsurprisingly, full of drama. First, they all go clomping through the trees to meet a photographer and Cosmopolitan’s editor-in-chief for a bathing suit photoshoot. Can’t they just go mini-golfing or something? Jessica Pels, Cosmo’s EIC, informs the women that whoever does the best work gets to be on the cover of the magazine’s March issue with Peter, and Peter tells Pels that he thinks Hannah Ann probably has a leg up.

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Peter makes out with some of the ladies, which puts Kelsey even further on edge, and Brunette Victoria is named the winner. (The cover is not running.) Then they head back to the resort, where Tammy, who prior to this was pretty cool, starts to spiral down the drama drain and talks to all the people, just all of them, about Kelsey’s admittedly frequent crying and previously intoxicated state.

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They are fed what looks to be stuffed mushroom caps and tiny little crackers with cheese and sauce on top, to go with the copious amounts of alcohol.

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC
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Coconuts filled with, um, something

So, as mentioned above, there are a few drama-free or drama-lite contestants. Natasha, who takes no bullshit, is one such person. So are Lexi (red-headed, constantly involved in drama but mostly just tried to get people to admit they were full of shit and move on), Shiann (issued a classic on-the-way-out warning about girls with two faces), Madison (literally sat down during the rose ceremony), and, for now at least, Hannah Ann (like Madison, absconded from the drama entirely, saying, “It’s like, I want to know, but I don’t want to know.”) But the queen is Kelley. This is Kelley.

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Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt

Kelley is obviously intelligent. She just as obviously knows exactly what show she’s on and doesn’t seem to care for it much. This week, she was asked to do the Bird Box through a maze, following the sound of Peter’s voice. She was also asked to explain why two melting candles meant to represent their relationship melted in the way that they did. And then she was asked why she wasn’t taking the “process” more seriously, and responded by saying, essentially, dude, you’re the one who likes all the messy shit, what on earth makes you think you’re ready to be married or that I would be ready to commit to such a person? Get your head out of your ass.

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Even more specifically, she told him if he were ready, he would see the drama and “cut it in the butt.”

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
Screenshot: ABC
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I do not know what was served in those coconuts, but don’t worry, it doesn’t matter because they did not eat it.

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 5 pt. 1: Cut it in the butt
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Attagirl. Stay far away from the drama. There’s sure to be more of it on Wednesday since Peter opted to keep both Mykenna and Tammy. You just keep smelling that rose. And if you can summon the energy to tell Peter he’s being a dipshit one more time, that would be great.

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves TV, bourbon, and overanalyzing social interactions. Please buy her book, How TV Can Make You Smarter (Chronicle, 2020). It’s short!

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