Photo: suefeldberg (iStock)

We at The Takeout pride ourselves on being paragons of journalistic objectivity—except when it comes to seagulls. Seagulls are awful. They’re the inflamed asshole of the animal kingdom, whose existence is an infinite loop of screeching, eating garbage, and shitting.

They taste like the food they eat: trash. Restaurants hate them. They destroy hotel rooms and steal pepperoni. They’re so bad we’ve recruited falcons to ward them off. 

Now comes news that a New Hampshire man is being fined $124 for protecting his family from a disgusting assclown seagull. This poor man—according to NH1, a veteran with a Purple Heart!—was enjoying a day at the beach with his daughter and trying to enjoy a cheeseburger and fries. Then out of nowhere, a band of deviant flying stinkards descended and tried making off with the man’s hard-earned lunch. Befitting his Purple Heart honor, the man bravely defended his turf, shooing away the attacking shitbirds. The man told NH1 what happened next:

“I spun around in a circle with my leg out to shoo it away, and unfortunately, did strike the seagull hard. It was a one in a million bad luck kick that couldn’t be repeated. This is no more than a simple mistake. But social media has blown it into something it is not.”

Yeah thanks a lot, social media, for vilifying a decorated war veteran who just wanted his daughter to eat in peace, and siding with the squawking scrotum bird? And then to have the New Hampshire Fish and Game department fine this patriot $124? That’s some cold bullshit.

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