Drunk with power, Heinz releases next condiment mash-up: Kranch

Photo: Kraft Heinz

Perhaps delirious from their own success, the minds at Heinz that brought us Mayochup and its subsequent descendants have once again tested the boundaries of condiment crossbreeding. Somewhere, hidden deep amongst the catacombs of Heinz headquarters, these mad food scientists give free rein to even the basest of instincts, unchecked, ungoverned by the tenets of civilized society. And lo, what they have wrought.

Photo: Heinz
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The newest Saucy Sauce: Kranch. KRANCH. KRAAAAAAAAAAAAANCH. This ketchup and ranch combo with the TRONC-adjacent name is the latest in this particular line of sauces. Sorry, I mean Saucy Sauces.

Kranch.

Deep in that cavernous headquarters, behind a locked door that is itself behind a locked door, the next phase is being hatched:

  • Hummchup
  • Worstcertertard
  • Sriranch
  • Mayople Syrup
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Banch

Those would be hummus + ketchup, Worcestershire + mustard, Sriracha + ranch, mayonnaise + maple syrup, and butter substitute + ranch.

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Anyway, Kranch arrives this month and will set you back $3.49 if mixing your own ranch and ketchup doesn’t appeal, but the idea minus the physical exertion sounds great.

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Allison Shoemaker

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves television, bourbon, and dramatically overanalyzing social interactions.