Joey Chestnut Breaks Hot Dog-Eating Record; America Is Great Again
Yesterday, while you lit sparklers, grilled burgers, and got #starspangledhammered, American hero Joey Chestnut shoved 74 water-soaked hot dogs into his mouth in 10 minutes, breaking his previous world record of 72. In the process, American supremacy in the global order has been restored.
Chestnut's performance at the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contestis on the level of an early-aughts-Tiger-Woods or a 2012-Serena-Williams; the second-place challenger choked down a paltry 45 hot dogs. (I hope Chestnut later spiked one of those franks in the dude's face while a bald eagle shat on the rest of the competition.)
You may say that competitive gluttony and wastefulness is nothing to be proud of, but right now, I'll take whatever I can get in terms of American dominance. For comparison:
- America is ranked 38th globally in fourth-graders' science proficiency
- America is ranked last among developed nations in terms of its health-care system
- America is ranked 24th globally in its progress toward United Nations health goals
- America didn't even place in the top 10 in a ranking of countries committed to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness"
- American ranks number one worldwide in choking down soggy hot dogs, so go suck on a croissant, world
But you know where American exceptionalism shines?