For many people, beer is an important source of emotional support. The yeast that is essential to making beer is a living thing. Therefore, why not register a beer as an emotional support animal? Right? Well, except for the part about how yeast is classified as a fungus, not an animal, but when you are lonely or have allergies, anything is fair game to become a pet.
But let’s not deal with technicalities here. Let’s just get to the point of this story, which is that Floyd Hayes, a 47-year-old self-described “ideas man” from Brooklyn, has registered a pint of beer as an emotional support animal with the USA Service Dog Registration. The specific beer, reported Ale Street News, which broke this important story, is “a 16 oz, lightly hopped session IPA served in a regular bar pint glass.”
Hayes registered his beer so he could have emotional support on public transportation. “I travel from upstate to Brooklyn a lot, and on the bus they say its a federal crime to smoke or have an alcoholic beverage unless by prior written contest, and I always wondered where you get that consent,” he told Brooklyn Paper. “Not that I’m an alcoholic.” (Ironically, Brooklyn Paper added, he is observing Dry January.)
Unfortunately, the gig seems to be up, possibly because Colin Mixson, the crack reporter covering the story for Brooklyn Paper, called USA Service Dog Registration—which, despite its name, is a private business—for comment. The employee he spoke to was not amused and said that an emotional support beer was not automatically welcome on buses or anywhere else without a note from a doctor. ““He can register his beer all day long, it’s not going to get him anywhere,” she said.
And now, when you go to the site and enter the registration number for Hayes’ beer (provided both by Brooklyn Paper and Ale Street News), a message appears that reads, in bold red type, “ENTER TRACKING CODE IS INVALID.” Alas! What will Hayes do for emotional support now?