Back in my day, Catholic kids were forced to live under the wrathful eye of God who judged everything we did, just waiting for us to screw up so he could brutally punish us “for funzies.” (Gen. 51:1) Nowadays, kids have this cutesy “Elf on a Shelf” malarkey that promises them presents and good feelings, and this is why this next generation is soft. These kids don’t know what it means to be hunted by an all-powerful being that can read their minds and stare at them when they’re on the toilet! There are 14.5 million of these elves spying on kids from cushy shelves, giving them “points for trying” and not bothering to investigate anything they’re doing in the other rooms of the house. They get elves that are so freakin’ adorable that Kellogg’s puts their cutesy freakin’ faces on a cereal box, so children can feel Santa’s love during the most important meal of the day. Catholic God gave us one rice cracker a week and a sip of watered down grape juice, then told us we were actually eating was literally his body and to “go in peace,” and this is why he never got to be on a cereal box.
Anyway, if you want to get these cereals for your kids, here’s the deal: Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal—which is cookie-flavored red and green “star pieces” and mini marshmallows dusted with edible glitter—is now available at supermarkets nationwide. If you’re not much for glitter in your cereal and would rather have something that tastes slightly like toothpaste, a Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie—which is just the red “star pieces” with white “crunchlets” and minty mini marshmallows—is available exclusively at Walmart. Remember to take in the joy in your children’s faces as they eat their festive cereal as you eat your cold overnight oats. Those little bastards will never know just how damn good they have it.