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The Elf on the Shelf is watching you from your cereal bowl

Elf on the shelf cereal
The Elf on the Shelf comes to the table
Photo: Kellogg’s

Back in my day, Catholic kids were forced to live under the wrathful eye of God who judged everything we did, just waiting for us to screw up so he could brutally punish us “for funzies.” (Gen. 51:1) Nowadays, kids have this cutesy “Elf on a Shelf” malarkey that promises them presents and good feelings, and this is why this next generation is soft. These kids don’t know what it means to be hunted by an all-powerful being that can read their minds and stare at them when they’re on the toilet! There are 14.5 million of these elves spying on kids from cushy shelves, giving them “points for trying” and not bothering to investigate anything they’re doing in the other rooms of the house. They get elves that are so freakin’ adorable that Kellogg’s puts their cutesy freakin’ faces on a cereal box, so children can feel Santa’s love during the most important meal of the day. Catholic God gave us one rice cracker a week and a sip of watered down grape juice, then told us we were actually eating was literally his body and to “go in peace,” and this is why he never got to be on a cereal box.

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Anyway, if you want to get these cereals for your kids, here’s the deal: Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal—which is cookie-flavored red and green “star pieces” and mini marshmallows dusted with edible glitter—is now available at supermarkets nationwide. If you’re not much for glitter in your cereal and would rather have something that tastes slightly like toothpaste, a Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie—which is just the red “star pieces” with white “crunchlets” and minty mini marshmallows—is available exclusively at Walmart. Remember to take in the joy in your children’s faces as they eat their festive cereal as you eat your cold overnight oats. Those little bastards will never know just how damn good they have it.

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, author of three books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Questions about recipes/need cooking advice? Tweet @Robicellis.

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DISCUSSION

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Burners Baby Burners: Discussion Inferno

Kellogg’s continues their long, storied tradition of awful licensing ideas for breakfast cereals. Enjoy your breakfast knowing a licensed image of a character who murders small children is on the box:

Speaking of a Star War, in the ‘80s we had a cereal shaped like an 8 which had nothing to do with the brand they’re pimping, but did have on the back an offer to wear a freakish mask of Mark Hamill.

Or more Frozen? You like Frozen, right kids? EAT OLAF AND SOME LEAF SHAPES!

In fact, collect all your favorite Disney Princess boxes of cereal, chumps! I mean “kids!”

What about this nightmare? They couldn’t be bothered to shape it like a shark, we didn’t need it to taste like one, but come the hell on.

Little Debbie for breakfast? How can this go wrong? Mom, where’s my insulin?

Why cinnamon marshmallow? Is it the flavor that most reminds us of a person dressed up like a ghoul in order to swindle in some kind of real estate scam?

Oh screw you!

Loot boxes, everyone! I’m impressed Overwatch had the clout to get Kellogg’s to leave their logo off the front.

Cars 3 cereal, shaped like... skulls? No wait, I get it, vaguely-trophy-shaped. That’s what kids love about Cars movies... the trophies.

Which Star Wars is this even from? These characters don’t change between films. Neither do their generic cereal pieces, apparently.

Pixar’s hit film, Eating Dory. At least these marbits are character-shaped.

Everybody’s favorite Sony picture, with “sure to turn your stool bloody”-red cereal webs, and more recently with lizard-shaped marbits... mmm, lizard.

Even more nautical nonsense!

“General Mills has Reese’s cereal, we need a peanut butter cereal too!”
“But sir, that one’s peanut butter and chocolate.”
“NOW!”

Gotta eat ‘em all!