Okay, okay, to be fair, Oikos’s new Pro Fuel is not technically a yogurt. We know this because it’s labeled “caffeinated and cultured dairy drink,” which means it failed to meet some sort of technical requirement to make it a real, full-fledged yogurt or even a drinking yogurt. It does, however, contain “active yogurt cultures,” so that must means something, right? (The more I learn about food marketing, the more I realize that a lot of grocery shopping is guided by faith and the things we choose to believe in.)
Anyway, Oikos Pro Fuel comes in four flavors (Vanilla, Peach, Mixed Berry, and Strawberry Banana) in conveniently shaped containers so you you can chug them while driving or crammed into your seat on public transportation, feeling energized while also taking in some of that sweet, sweet gut bacteria. The caffeine, Brand Eating reports, comes from the fruit of the coffee cherry, not the seed, or “bean” that we use to make actual coffee. The coffee cherry pulp is what’s used to make cascara tea which, according to one analysis, contains only the same amount of caffeine as ordinary black tea which, in turn, is only a fraction of the amount of caffeine in a cup of brewed coffee. Pro Fuel also contains way more sodium and sugar than its regular Greek yogurt.
But as someone who has coffee and yogurt (my own, homemade) every day for breakfast—and also as someone who absolutely hates getting up in the morning—this would make my life so much easier, and so I desperately, desperately want to believe.