We really, really want to believe in caffeinated yogurt

Illustration for article titled We really, really want to believe in caffeinated yogurt
Photo: Visual_Intermezzo, ToscaWhi (iStock)

The world is full of yogurt: Greek, Norwegian, Australian, French. And now caffeinated, which may be the most marvelous of all.


Okay, okay, to be fair, Oikos’s new Pro Fuel is not technically a yogurt. We know this because it’s labeled “caffeinated and cultured dairy drink,” which means it failed to meet some sort of technical requirement to make it a real, full-fledged yogurt or even a drinking yogurt. It does, however, contain “active yogurt cultures,” so that must means something, right? (The more I learn about food marketing, the more I realize that a lot of grocery shopping is guided by faith and the things we choose to believe in.)

Illustration for article titled We really, really want to believe in caffeinated yogurt
Photo: Danone North America (PR Newswire)

Anyway, Oikos Pro Fuel comes in four flavors (Vanilla, Peach, Mixed Berry, and Strawberry Banana) in conveniently shaped containers so you you can chug them while driving or crammed into your seat on public transportation, feeling energized while also taking in some of that sweet, sweet gut bacteria. The caffeine, Brand Eating reports, comes from the fruit of the coffee cherry, not the seed, or “bean” that we use to make actual coffee. The coffee cherry pulp is what’s used to make cascara tea which, according to one analysis, contains only the same amount of caffeine as ordinary black tea which, in turn, is only a fraction of the amount of caffeine in a cup of brewed coffee. Pro Fuel also contains way more sodium and sugar than its regular Greek yogurt.

But as someone who has coffee and yogurt (my own, homemade) every day for breakfast—and also as someone who absolutely hates getting up in the morning—this would make my life so much easier, and so I desperately, desperately want to believe.

Associate editor of The Takeout. Chicagoan. Owned by dog.


Lord of the Ducks

Instead of a psuedo-snakry-rewritten press release, would have been more interesting if you had used the product concept as a launch pad to make a small batch or two of caffeinated yogurt. Maybe one using instant coffee/espresso and one using caffeine powder (try not to OD and you’ll want to add a touch more sugar to offset the bitterness of the stimulant).