Yogurt Yogurt On The Wall, Which Is The Fanciest One Of All?

I want to believe we've turned the corner on fat-free, protein-packed yogurt. Like other shoppers, I was suckered in by the "zero" yogurts—zero fat, zero added sugars—thinking they were somehow healthier for me than the standard stuff. But after a few months of gumming that gritty spackle around in my mouth, it occurred to me: These 100-calorie yogurts don't taste good at all.

I broke the spell with a whole-milk yogurt a few months back, and it was like the clouds parted to finally let spring's light shine through. Yogurt shouldn't be self-flagellation; it could be delicious, a food to look forward to. In that spirit, I scoured my grocery stores' yogurt aisles in search of the most indulgent, creamy, are-we-sure-this-isn't-dessert options. As the yogurt case is ever expanding, it's a good time to assess the many international cartons, jars, and cups vying for our precious fancy yogurt dollars. I evaluated the following brands in terms of one criteria: Overall deliciousness. (I bought only fruit flavors, not ones like coffee or cheesecake, to reduce the variables.)

Milkfat: 4%Calories: 130Protein: 12gStyle: Icelandic cream-skyrLocation of fruit: Blended throughout

I get Greek yogurt vibes from this yogurt, but in a good way. The texture is relatively dense and moussey, like a very heavy whipped cream or meringue. The fruit is blended throughout and its flavors are good; I actually get blackberry and raspberry notes without too much sweetness. It feels virtuous, but not chalky or thin.

Score: 6.5 (out of 10)

Milkfat: Not listedCalories: 280Protein: 12gStyle: AustralianLocation of fruit: Fruit on bottom

This carton has a lovely ombre color gradient on top, so it gets some aesthetic bonus points. Noosa is relatively sweet compared to other brands, tasting like yogurt with fruit jam mixed in. But there are real bits of raspberry in there, which is nice. The yogurt itself is super smooth and creamy without being too heavy, just like a richer version of a standard store-brand yogurt. I like the tang of the yogurt, which has a lemon-meringue note that I'm really into. This tastes like dessert.

Score: 8.5

Milkfat: Not listedCalories: 210Protein: 5gStyle: Whole-milk yogurtLocation of fruit: Fruit on bottom

The plain yogurt, before I mix it with the fruit, feels very custardy and milky, like it's definitely European. It almost has the texture of mascarpone cheese. The fruit is good, if a bit generically sweet. I actually like the yogurt better on its own; it doesn't need any additional sugar from the fruit gel. The yogurt coats the spoon without being cement-like. This feels like the yogurt I'd get at a fancy French hotel.

Score: 7.5

Milkfat: Not listedCalories: 160Protein: 4g Style: Whole-milk yogurtLocation of fruit: Fruit on bottom

There is legit cream on top of the yogurt, so congratulations on truth in advertising. This tastes whipped in texture, with lots of air pockets in it. Despite that, it's still rich, and the vanilla tastes like real vanilla bean. It's sweet because of that, but the vanilla almost has an earthy spice that makes it tastes far from artificial. I like that this is simultaneously creamy, smooth, and rich. It's a bit thinner than some of the others which stick to the spoon, but has very good dairy flavor.

Score: 8

Milkfat: Not listedCalories: 160Protein: 5gStyle: French-style yogurtLocation of fruit: Fruit on bottom

Packaged in a glass jar, classy! It's very dense, like mousse, so that a spoon scraped through the top of it leaves a valley in the middle. If you've had Yoplait Whips, the texture is similar, but with slightly fewer air pockets and a little more... grit? I can't tell what state of matter this is as I move it around my mouth. It sort of feels like chewing Jell-O. Mixed with the fruit, it's jammy-sweet, but indistinct. This definitely feels like some sort of frozen dessert, almost like a low-calorie sorbet. But the yogurt is too dense without enough accompanying richness.

Score: 5

Milkfat: 8.5%Calories: 210Protein: 7gStyle: Double-cream yogurtLocation of fruit: Fruit on the bottom

It's very creamy and smooth, with a fullness like drinking heavy cream. Thankfully, it has a good tang to offset that. There's a lingering aftertaste in the back of my throat that's almost graham cracker-like, and hard to place. The fruit is subtle but not recognizable as a particular berry or rhubarb. I had grander expectations of this given its high milk-fat content, but it's actually just not all that flavorful. It doesn't taste as indulgent as it should, though the texture isn't objectively bad.

Score: 5

Milkfat: 8.5%Calories: 210Protein: 7gStyle: Australian (non-alcoholic)

The first thing I notice when I peel back the foil is that the yogurt looks watery, honestly not very appealing. Gloopy is the best word to describe its body, and I can't get over how unappealing it looks with a puddle of purple-gray liquid on top of the off-white yogurt. It's not very flavorful, either; I get a buttermilk-type flavor from the yogurt, but couldn't have picked out any flavor beyond a vague berry-ness. This tastes neither virtuous nor sinful, just meh. Maybe if it was booze yogurt, it would have something going for it.

Score: 4

There's a reason this yogurt has a cult following: It tastes like a tart-sweet dessert, and still packs a lot of protein without excessive calories.