Hmm, Upsetting: Bud Light Seems To Think We Want Toasted Marshmallow Seltzer

Ah, fall flavors. Rich, warming accents of nutmeg and cocoa. A comforting parade of root vegetables. Pumpkin stuff that actually tastes good. Fall is a glorious time for one's taste buds—at least, it was a glorious time. Now Bud Light Seltzer is here to paralyze autumnal festivities with a Bud Light Seltzer Fall Flannel variety pack, complete with flavors like Pumpkin Spice and Toasted Marshmallow. No, thank you; I'll skip straight to winter this year. Wake me up when the last leaf falls.

Per a press release sent to The Takeout, the limited-edition Bud Light Seltzer Fall Flannel variety pack "pairs perfectly with all activities that come with the fall season." For example, exploring a pumpkin patch while belching up the remnants of carbonated marshmallow. Here are the other flavors you can belch up:

• Pumpkin Spice, with notes of pumpkin, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla
• Toasted Marshmallow, with a "hint of chocolate flavor"
• Maple Pear, which actually sounds kind of good
• Apple Crisp, which offers "all the flavor of apple pie with all the refreshment of a seltzer," which I certainly didn't ask for

If you'd like to purchase this large plaid box full of broken dreams, the variety pack is available starting September 6 through the end of October. Do you want to try it? Do you? Do you want a 5% ABV seltzer that boasts "fall in a can?" To me, "fall in a can" tastes more like an indulgent stout, although I've been known to enjoy a boozy cider every now and again. But, as my coworker Dennis Lee put it, there are just some flavors that don't appeal when they're fizzy. Fizzy pumpkin? Fizzy marshmallow? I've been wrong about fizzy beverages before, but I just can't see this one working. Only one way to find out, I suppose.