Welcome to This Month In Very Good Edible Pet Names, in which we explore the depths of Petfinder to uncover adoptable pets with nose-wrinklingly cute food-inspired names. Got an adoptable pet with a tasty name? Send your Marshmallows, Gingers, and Sausages to email@example.com.
There’s a new cat in my building. His name is Chop, as in Pork, and my beagle, Archie, is terrified of him. This troubles me, because, as we all know by now, I dearly love pets named after food. Archie and Chop may never be friends, so I’ll drown my sorrows the best way I know how: trawling Petfinder to find adoptable pets with extremely good food-inspired names.
As a reminder, I judge edible pet names by a rigorous rubric. First, I assess the accuracy of the pet name. (Does Tootsie Roll look like a Tootsie Roll? Does Chicken Wing have some sort of funny little arm deserving of the moniker?) Second, I hone in on general pet aesthetics, generally highlighting the funniest-looking little furry dudes I can find. Without further ado, here are this month’s stars.
Toblerone: Male kitten; Portland, OR
Otherwise known as “Toby,” this extremely small man is a tiger-striped tabby who’s equal parts friendly, affectionate, playful, and brave, according to his shelter bio. He’s also an incredibly cute little fellow, as evidenced by the lavish travel-inspired photo shoot on his adoption page in which he wears a tiny kitten-sized travel pillow. KITTEN-SIZED TRAVEL PILLOW.
Chocolate Sundae: Female pigeon; Chicago, IL
Hey, Chicago, ever wanted a fudge-colored bird as a pet? I’ve got great news for you: Chocolate Sundae is adoptable. Chocolate Sundae is a “petite young lady” who came of age in a shelter setting and is now “looking forward to building her very first nest in an adoptive home of her very own.” I don’t know what you do with a pigeon as a pet, but I’m sure Chocolate Sundae can help you figure it out. I’m picturing a lot of staring into each other’s eyes and/or training Chocolate Sundae to deliver letters to your friends and loved ones. Pigeons do that, right?
Cannoli R. Slider: Juvenile turtle; Baltimore, MD
Today I learned that “slider” is a kind of turtle—but for a moment there, I thought this turtle had a formal surname. Either way, Cannoli the juvenile aquatic red-eared slider turtle is a treat in his/her/their own right. (The little turt is only about three inches long right now, which means it’s impossible to determine Cannoli’s sex.) Cannoli is between three and five years old, is very fond of turtle pellets and dark leafy greens, and ONLY eats in the water. Cannoli’s perfect home involves a fenced-in backyard pond, which is something Cannoli and I have in common.
Bizkit: Male greyhound; Columbus, OH
This retired racing greyhound was ostensibly named after Limp Bizkit, but a biscuit is a food, so we’re going with it. Per Bizkit’s Petfinder bio, he’s “affectionate, snuggly, inquisitive and silly.” He’s also developing several skills in his retirement, including “learning that cats are ok” and “working on using stairs.” As a retired racing dog, he may or may not have built up a safe cat tolerance. Either way, we’re all rooting for you, Bizkit!
Beans and Cornbread: Bonded potbellied pigs; Brownsburg, IN
Sometimes you look at an animal so majestic that it feels as though you’ve gazed upon the face of God. That’s how I feel when I see Beans and Cornbread, a pair of seven-month-old potbellied brothers who were found wandering Indiana as strays. Per their shelter, these handsome boys are “very bonded” and must be adopted together. Fortunately, at only 30 pounds each, you could fit ’em in a standard sedan fairly easily.
Bonus: The Southern Sunday Brunch Gang
In conclusion, I’d like to draw attention to this tweet from Petfinder Names, one of the best Twitter accounts around. The account is dedicated to silly (not always food-related) adoptable pet names, and it recently featured a group of animals unofficially called the Southern Sunday Brunch Gang. The gang includes a spicy little kitten named Hot Link, a large mixed-breed puppy named Grits, and Grits’ two sisters, Bagel and Hash Brown. If you’re interested in the pups, Bagel appears to have been adopted, but Grits and Hash Brown are still looking for a home/diner to call their own. Order up!