Baked Bean Bandit Rains Hellfire On English Countryside

Big week for bean news, eh? Yesterday, we had a gentlemen sent to the hospital with a severe case of Beans in the Peen. Now, we've got a baked bean bandit reportedly emptying cans of sticky legumes all over a picturesque English village. What's next? A case of legume larceny? A brutal assassination of V.I.-Peas? Hasn't there bean enough turmoil for one week?

Metro UK reports that the aforementioned bean vandal has been dousing "doorsteps, homes, and cars" with baked beans in the countryside village of Wonersh, Surrey. Home to just over 3,000 people, Wonersh is your standard idyllic countryside town—but now, residents are shocked and dismayed after a slew of bean-related atrocities.

"Local officers have received reports of incidents in Wonersh where beans and other food has been poured onto residents' front doors and cars overnight," a Surrey Police spokesperson told Metro UK. "The victims are understandably distressed by this unacceptable behavior." No one knows who's dumping the beans, and no one knows why. All we know is Wonersh residents are caught up in the sort of brutal beaning that turns neighbor against neighbor and brother against brother. Will the tight-knit community survive? I suppose that de-pintos on the criminal's motives.

If you click over to the Metro UK article, you'll see a few startling images courtesy of Surrey Police. In one picture, four empty Heinz cans sit ominously near a bean-covered doorstep. In another, a tasteful sedan is positively lacquered in unsightly orange bean juice. Fortunately, Wonersh residents are using humor to cope with the string of bean besmirchments. One resident reportedly hoped that the perpetrator would be "thrown in the can," while another called it an "absolutely Heinzous crime." If you ask me, the chaos is enough to make one question the beaning of life.