Dear Philadelphia, A hole does not make something a bagel

Illustration for article titled Dear Philadelphia, A hole does not make something a bagel
Photo: Business Wire (KraftHeinz)

It’s going to be really, really hard to top KFC’s explosive doughnut chicken sandwich news, but Philadelphia cream cheese is making a bold effort with the announcement that it has created Bagel That, a hole puncher for food that can turn anything into a bagel so you can put cream cheese on it. They’ve even gone so far as to create a super annoying ad and an Amazon page that claims the Bagel That is sold out.

I was going to go into a whole rant here about how a bagel is more than a piece of bread with a whole in it and that the thing that makes a bagel a bagel and not a roll is that it is boiled and that this whole thing is clearly a ripoff of Will It Waffle?, but then I realized I would just be playing into Philly’s cream-cheese-covered hands.


So the only reason I am writing about it right now is because Mike Pomranz, who covered it for Food & Wine, asks this question: “So in the end, no, I don’t think most people will be that confused about what a bagel is—or at least unsure enough to make ‘Is it a bagel?’ the next ‘Is a hot dog a sandwich?’”

No, Mike, it is not the next “Is a hot dog a sandwich?”

“Is a hot dog a sandwich?” is a delicate, philosophical, existential question. Something is either a bagel or it is not.

But I fully support the more liberal use of cream cheese.

Associate editor of The Takeout. Chicagoan. Owned by dog.



Is the whole idea “it is less shameful to spread cream cheese on something, if that thing is a bagel” since otherwise I don’t really get it.  I mean, “cheese on bread” is a thing that is generally acceptable, isn’t it?