Enjoy a romantic Zoom date with an udder-ly gorgeous bovine

Cows in traditional Austrian attire with bells around neck
These gorgeous ladies would love to get to know you.
Photo: JOE KLAMAR / Contributor (Getty Images)

Gorgeous ladies are waiting to chat with you online—and by “gorgeous ladies,” we mean “dairy cows who probably don’t speak English.” Today, Stonyfield Organic launches what the brand calls “the ultimate stress-relieving Valentine’s Day gift.” The gift in question: a virtual date with a cow.

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Stonyfield’s “Date With a Cow” Valentine’s Day package includes a 15-minute Zoom with a Stonyfield cow, “festive treats” like Stonyfield Organic Strawberry Yogurt and Lake Champlain Organic Milk Chocolate, and a cuddly stuffed cow of your very own. The whole thing costs $50, which seems pretty steep for a 15-minute video chat with a largely silent mammal. Stonyfield will, however, donate proceeds to Wolfe’s Neck, an organization that supports the next generation of organic dairy farmers, which is nice.

Graphic of cow on Zoom meeting screen
Graphic: Stonyfield (Getty Images)

Stonyfield explains that the promotion is meant to promote stress relief via “virtual cow hugging.” According to the press release, the act of cow hugging is “centered on the inherent healing properties of a human-to-animal snuggle.” It apparently involves hugging a cow for several hours “taking advantage of a cow’s sweet and patient nature, warm body temperature, large comforting size and slower heartbeat.” Of course, you won’t be able to reap any of these benefits virtually, but I suppose you could still murmur sweet nothings to the cow. Cows are cute, and they’re really good at keeping secrets. Trust me.

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.

DISCUSSION

Cows weigh well over 1,000 lbs. I am not hugging something that large & that produces that much methane.