We are all winners today, folks. Each and every one of us has a sparkly Neil Lane diamond in our hearts. The reason is simple: At long last, Peter Wow Did You Know He’s A Pilot Weber’s “journey to find love” has ended. I mean, it hasn’t, because that boy is positively doomed, and not just because his need to have love work out like a fictional story, complete with endless drama and the conquering of all, led him to make a complete ass of himself on national television . And not just because that terrible (terrible) decision making and some not-insignificant manipulation led to his receiving a thorough and extremely satisfying dressing-down from a 23-year-old. (I didn’t know she had it in her. Hannah Ann, you are a bad bitch.)
No, Peter is doomed because anyone he dates from now on who isn’t “an angel on earth” is apparently up for some very rough treatment at the hands of Barb Weber, who in very little screentime managed to become one of the great reality television villains of recent memory. I’m talking Phi Phi O’Hara/Omarosa/Wendy Pepper/Simon Cowell/the heat that made Rahul’s jars explode/Jed Wyatt levels of villainy. Barb, Barb, what were you thinking?
Once more for the road, or at least once more until Clare Crowley shows up to hopefully make some more sound decisions: What foods, drinks, and intellectual concepts didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor this week?
He drank champagne and he ate shit.
So Peter proposed to Hannah Ann, and it was a disaster. Just watch this hot mess:
Having wandered down some steep incline in a white dress with a train now thoroughly covered in dirt, Hannah Ann gets to hear all about how much she loves Peter before he casually drops that Madison has been gone for two days. You can watch her go, “wait, what the fuck?” in real time, but he’s mid-proposal, so she just sort of tries to roll with it? It is a total disaster. I know some of you don’t watch. It’s worth skipping to 1:55ish. For a second you think he’s calling her “Madison,” but instead he’s just filling her in on this major thing that’s happened and she never really recovers from it.
But hey, champers! Peter’s mom reacted like this. These are tears (wails, really) of joy:
That is the most reasonable reaction she has to anything in this whole episode, which is two hours long but felt like six.
Now, Peter did not actually eat shit. But Hannah Ann sure told him to, even if she didn’t use precisely those words. First, she traveled all the way to his weird California photobooth palace to get dumped because he can’t give her “his whole heart,” and it’s really unclear what exactly happened between the proposal and this conversation but it’s clear that none of it was good. She then very politely and repeatedly tells him he’s full of shit, but again, in more ladylike fashion; the pinnacle is the above screenshot where he leans into the vehicle to try to fire off one more bullshit apology and she basically flits him away like he’s one of the Australian dirt flies that was buzzing around her all last episode.
Then Chris Harrison interviews them together and it just gets worse, somehow:
She just casually throws out that Hannah Brown bomb and it’s never followed up on! But suffice it to say she comes out of all of this looking far more sure of herself and emotionally stable than literally anyone else in this entire episode, including Chris Harrison. Hannah Ann Sluss, dropper of truth-bombs and possessor of shiny hair. See you in Paradise, champ.
This was a food-free episode, so let’s instead focus on the fact that Peter will not be having any tranquil, drama-free family dinners anytime soon.
Barb Weber hates Madison. Barb Weber would set Madison’s hair on fire if she could. Barb Weber washes her hands for a full 20 seconds but it’s not because of a global pandemic, it’s because she was just in the same room as Madison. Barb Weber apparently does not like to be kept waiting. Barb loves Hannah Ann. Barb thinks Madison can go jump off a building.
So here’s what happened: After Peter dumped Hannah Ann instead of just not proposing to her in the first place, that meddling Chris Harrison flew to Auburn, told Madison that Peter was now single and that he broke off his engagement because of his feelings for her, and told her and all 97,000 of her eyelashes to pack a bag, because if she wanted a second chance, she had one. So she packed one bag full of mascara and another full of stretchy denim and they headed off to Peter’s house, where the two of them put their foreheads together a lot. No decisions were made, but it was clear that Barb’s mind was made up, because they kept her face in a little box at the bottom of the screen and she simply could not hide her bottomless disdain. It was a lot.
So then Madison came out. When asked if they were going to try to work it out, Peter and Madi said they were going to take it “one step at a time.” And that’s when Barb began sharing her feelings with words, rather than eyerolls.
She did not stop there! It gets worse! She had a whole commercial break to calm down and still said, when asked if she could support Peter as he tried to make this work, that he had to fail to succeed.
Listen, that relationship was probably already doomed. A reminder of the central theme of Monday’s episode:
Peter’s dad: You’re not compatible.
Peter’s brother: You’re not compatible.
Peter’s mom: I prayed to God that He would put the right person in your path and Hannah Ann is an angel on earth bring her home to us oh I love you so much auuuuuuugh, you’re not compatible.
Madison: We’re not compatible.
Peter: *grins moonily*
So Barb is probably not wrong. But Barb, you are on national television trashing your son’s not-quite-girlfriend to her face. So here’s what everyone, including that meddling Chris Harrison, did not eat this week:
Whatever nice meal you buy yourself after going to see a qualified therapist in order to process your feelings in a healthy way and avoid making an absolute ass of yourself on national television
I don’t know if Hannah Ann has a therapist, but I do know she’s the only one with any sense.
Me. I do. And so do you. Thanks for reading these ridiculous recaps, and see you when Clare Crowley starts dating 26-year-olds who aren’t there for the right reasons.