Illustration for article titled World’s only asparamancer reads the future in asparagus
Screenshot: This Morning (YouTube)

The future has been told by tea leaves, a deck of cards, the lines on our palms, a book of ancient Chinese wisdom, an especially prescient octopus, and now by asparagus. Yes, it’s true, Jemima Packington of Bath, England, the world’s only asparamancer, is able to divine what will happen next by casting—not tossing—spears of asparagus onto a flat surface and reading the patterns.

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Packington has a Twitter feed, but it’s mostly dedicated to posts about protecting abused dogs. Instead she uses mass media to share her predictions with the general public. Last week she appeared on This Morning on Britain’s ITV to share her predictions for the month of May, National Asparagus Month in the UK.

The asparagus was optimistic:

“The May prediction shows a letter V and a letter E which shows we will have a double celebration during the upcoming bank holiday. The little budlets that you see on the background indicate refreshments of the alcoholic variety - so we are all going to have a jolly good time. Also, the spears coming forward indicate there is really great, good news on the way for us all this month.”

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She also cast asparagus for the fortunes of the show’s two hosts; the asparagus revealed—maybe—that they would score an interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

Packington and her asparagus successfully predicted Brexit and England’s victory in the Cricket World Cup, so why shouldn’t we trust her? (Well, okay, she also said that Meghan was going to have twins last year, one boy and one girl, and there was only one boy, but hey; she did tell the Bristol Post that her success rate was 75-90%.)

She’s also branched out into more global predictions, reports Somerset Live: Brexit will be smooth, there will be another royal baby, and a member of the royal family will die. Also Donald Trump will be reelected, but he’ll be impeached again and this time he’ll be convicted and removed from office. And finally, and most important, the Vale of Evesham asparagus will become the world’s most prized vegetable.

Packington didn’t reveal what kind of asparagus she uses in her soothsaying, but she did tell This Morning that when she finishes, she eats the spears for lunch.

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Aimee Levitt is associate editor of The Takeout.

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