Photo: tpzijl (Getty Images)

Just your standard, Monday morning injurious breast story: Civil court records show a Denver woman is suing the Tampa location of Hamburger Mary’s for $1.5 million, claiming she was injured by a drag queen’s breast during a performance at the restaurant chain. The Orlando Sentinel reports the guest says she dined at Hamburger Mary’s for a friend’s birthday and was unaware that there would be a drag performance.

The Orlando Sentinel quotes the court records as stating: “A performer grabbed her head and ‘wiggle[d] her breast against’ Molina’s face and head ‘at least 8 times.’ Molina said the performer then ‘violently’ pounded her head against the performer’s chest ‘up to 9 times.’”

OK, I have a lot of questions that are not addressed by the Sentinel’s brief write-up, namely: What sort of gladiator-style drag performance was this? And how hard would anyone have to “wiggle” their breasts to cause $1.5 million worth of “cervical pain and uncontrollable headaches”? How does a breast in your face cause cervical pain? How does one weaponize one’s breasts without Xena-style boob armor?

Rest assured, faithful readers, that if additional details of this incident come to light, The Takeout will update this story with more information.