Photo: AlxeyPnferov (iStock)

Trewithen Bistro and Wine Bar in Lostwhithiel, Cornwall, United Kingdom, is under siege. Its owner just wanted to hang some nice textiles. Some neighbors say the curtains make the place look like a goddamn brothel.

They’re purple. Sexy, sexy purple curtains. It would seem that Lostwhithiel is kind of like the town from Footloose, but instead of dancing, its citizens hate a nice, rich shade of plum, and instead of Kevin Bacon, they’ve got Alan Gilbert. Cornwall Live reports that Gilbert, who also owns the restaurant across the street, is “bemused” by the furor caused by these sizzling hot curtains, up to and including “an anonymous letter saying that from the outside, the wine bar ‘looks like a house of ill-repute.’” From the Cornwall Live piece (which we found via The Drinks Business):

“We opened on February 5 and the building is orange and purple colored. We decided to have curtains in the window so put them in and opened.

“Then it was mentioned around the town that some people weren’t coming in because they didn’t like the curtains. Apparently it looked dingy and suggested illegitimate goings on, looking like a brothel or a funeral parlor.”

As Gilbert told Cornwall Live, he then received a text from a nice lady who was “claiming to represent people in the town who said the curtains were bringing the town down and making it look cheap.” Gilbert invited her to the restaurant, told her that her comments would be considered, and then asked other customers coming in what they thought of the curtains. Consensus was mixed but none of the regulars seemed fussed about it; Cornwall Live makes no mention of customers entering in hopes of purchasing sex for money, so it’s safe to assume that no one was confused by the naughty, dirty, sexy color. They decided to keep the color.

Then someone slipped a letter signed “me” through the door that said the curtains “gave the image of a house of ill-repute.”

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Things seem to be going okay, despite the extremely suggestive purple curtains, and it would seem the British knack for innuendo is alive and well:

“Fortunately the wine bar is doing really well, and we’ve even had people coming from as far as Fowey who have joked about coming to look at our ghastly curtains.”

Looking forward to the BBC2 comedy series inspired by this event. Just add a vicar, and maybe cast Pam Ferris as the letter-writer and, I don’t know, Bill Paterson as Mr. Gilbert. And Penelope Wilton can be a nice neighbor who defends the bar. Sex Curtains In Cornwall, 27 seasons, four episodes each. You’re welcome.

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