This chili cheese keg, miracle of modern technology, could be yours

The Hormel keg can pump out up to 300 servings of molten chili cheese.

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hormel chili cheese keg
Photo: Hormel (Other)

Sweepstakes are so heartbreaking. You give a giant corporation your precious personal information to get a remote chance to win something you really want, then some random dude named Bob ends up winning in some town you’ve never heard of. And the company ends up with your info for marketing purposes. So I’m a little (very) sad to learn that Hormel is giving away a huge keg designed to pump out warm chili cheese, because this thing looks amazing—and only one lucky winner will be able to call it their own. You can see the device on Hormel’s sweepstakes website.

A press release for the keg says:

The keg features a proprietary adjustable internal heating element, a tap handle in the shape of the iconic Hormel® Chili can, and a chili-cheese pump that ensures optimal pouring. Using a specially engineered internal cauldron, the keg can also be refilled for later use. At full capacity, the keg provides nearly three hundred 4 oz. servings of Hormel® Chili Cheese fan fuel to power game day gatherings.

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Are you kidding me? A refillable keg from which you can dispense the hot dip of choice? And up to nearly 300 servings? You’re killing me, Hormel. I don’t need one of these things, but at the same time, I must have one. You have no idea what I could potentially do with this thing. I made Big Mac sushi with a sushi bazooka; I can do anything. Steaming hot mayonnaise straight from the tap? A monster Sauce? I’m losing my frickin’ mind over here.

Now, you might be saying, “Dennis, calm down, man, it’s only Monday. This is just a marketing thing.” Well, take a look at the video:

The tap handle is designed to look like a can of chili.

Whoever wins this glorious chili cheese keg will have it delivered to them before the Super Bowl, which takes place on February 13, 2022. I wasn’t planning on throwing a Super Bowl party (for what should be obvious reasons), but I can dream about having this thing in my house regardless, serving me delicious hot goo when I need it the most. Which is all the time.

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If you’d like to sign up for the sweepstakes (good luck—you’re gonna need it), you can do so at hormelchilicheesekeg.com. I’ll be over here crying when I inevitably lose. Got any extra, Hormel?