You know what? We’re just gonna let this one stand as its own lede: Arby’s has created a carrot made out of meat. It’s called a “marrot,” because of course it is, and the Takeout staff cannot stop staring at it.
Yes, Arby’s (they of the staunch refusal to have anything but the meats) is working on the marrot, a test kitchen experiment/brazen slight against God that isn’t yet planned for public release, but basically has to be now that we, and by proxy you, are aware of it. The marrot “contains vitamin content found in a raw vegetable” according to a press release, and exists as a perfect inverse to Beyond Meat, Impossible Burgers, and the like. Where those products strive to replace animal products in order to offer dietary alternatives, Arby’s is making a carrot out of turkey, because fuck you, that’s why.
Arby’s chief marketing officer Jim Taylor explains the process: “[Arby’s brand executive chef Neville Craw] cut a whole turkey breast into the shape of a carrot, sous vide the meat for one hour, then rolled it in a special carrot marinade and a brûlée with maple syrup powder. He then oven roasted the carrot-shaped turkey for an additional hour before topping it off with a fresh sprig of parsley to give it the full carrot effect.” Really savor that one for a minute: the full carrot effect.
At this point in reading, we assume that either you’ve already chucked your computer out the nearest window, or you’re about to flood Arby’s with requests for a wide release of the marrot. There doesn’t seem to be much room for middle ground here. Considering that Arby’s is referring to the marrot already as part of an exploration into “Megetables,” or meat vegetables, it may not even be the last of its kind. And hey, it “contains more than 30g of protein and is a good source of Vitamin A (more than 70% of the daily recommended value).”
When future civilizations unearth evidence about how we once lived, they too will be able to experience the unique confusion induced by the marrot. It is a privilege to be alive in this time, to experience something so ghastly and yet so beautiful.