Illustration for article titled Should you be keeping a doomsday Twinkie stash?
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At any given moment, I am usually thinking of one of three things: food, fun facts, or my plans to survive the impending robot takeover. I have been sounding the alarm on that last one for years now. I’ve demanded that The Takeout create an unofficial robot awareness program to ensure our readers receive the information they need to understand that the threat is real, and whether you realized it or not, we have been delivering. And now, with billions of people retreating into the safety of their own homes, it’s only a matter of time before the robots take to the streets and take what they feel they have coming to them.

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BBC Future has published a piece, “The food that could last 2,000 years,” that is relevant to all of my interests, and possibly to yours if you also enjoy eating food, memorizing useless pieces of trivia, and respecting/fearing robots. (The author does not reference the robots directly, implying several other threats that could lead to an apocalypse scenario, but as anyone who is aware of the existence of Marty the Stop & Shop robot could tell you, there’s only one way this story is going to end.) Read from one perspective, it’s an interesting look at the intersection of science and culture. Read from another perspective, it’s full of interesting knowledge nuggets that could come in handy in the future, like:

  • Cannibalism does not need to be a first resort, but as a practice it can definitely be left on the table “just in case.”
  • Air drying and salting are the most effective ways of preserving food, so it’s completely okay to eat nothing but ice cream now since its days of delighting humanity are theoretically numbered.
  • Twinkies probably wouldn’t make it, so you can stop hoarding those. On the other hand, honey can last for thousands of years, which is good because it can make a simply delightful glaze for beef jerky.
  • If you ever come across a frozen mammoth, don’t eat it. It will look delicious but taste disappointing, and honestly, how much more disappointment can you take in a post-apocalyptic world? Plus, it could make you throw up a lot.
  • If you want to murder someone with cyanide-rich apricot seeds, you’ll need 75 of them.
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Ironically, the foods that would more than likely get us through the apocalypse are ones that are genetically engineered and highly processed, like 3D-printed beef or Finnish air protein. And who or what manufactures these foods we’d need in order to survive? The robots. Resistance is, truly, futile.

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, author of three books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Questions about recipes/need cooking advice? Tweet @Robicellis.

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