Watch your filthy mouth in the presence of the long neck avocado

Chef chopping avocado
Image: Alexander Spatari (Getty Images)

I’ve never known the love of an avocado. Well, I have, but I’m allergic, which means a few bites of the green guy sends me sprinting to the bathroom for an Exorcist-level esophageal cleansing. So you can imagine my terror when I discovered the ultimate Avocado Overlord, at least according to social media, where it is currently going viral: the Pura Vida avocado, a three-foot long titan that would certainly cause my death.

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Weighing in at about three pounds each, Pura Vida avocados (also known as “long neck” avocados) are just like regular avocados—but the section above the fruit’s seed is stretched out brachiosaurus-style. And while Twitter seems to get wind of these bad boys every few years, Pura Vida avocados are nothing new. They’re grown in South Florida by growers like Miami Fruit, who’ll ship them to every state California for the low, low price of $47 per avocado. And, yeah, the Pura Vida avocado is a hell of a fruit—but I’m not sure that I’d ever spend that much on produce, even if it didn’t give me intestinal spasms.

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Meanwhile, my fellow millennials apparently spent $453 million on avocados in 2019, so the market appears to be thriving. It makes sense: Avocado does have some excellent health benefits, and it’s famously smearable. (Millennials love to smear.)

If you’d like to invest in the Avocado King, you’ll have to wait a bit. They’re not in season right now, but you can place yourself on the waiting list for Miami Fruit’s next growing season. In the meantime, I’d advise clearing your fridge to make room for the absurd amount of guacamole you’ll be able to squeeze out of that thing.

Staff writer @ The Takeout. Pork shoulder princess @ Chicago.

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DISCUSSION

scotz
Dream Theater of the Absurd

If it’s as good as a Hass avocado, this would be much more economical for making guacamole.