Photo: Coast-to-Coast (iStock)

It started innocently enough. The Cheesecake Factory intended to give away 40,000 free slices of cheesecake yesterday in honor of its 40th birthday (the slices were available to anyone who ordered via DoorDash). What could go wrong, you ask? Plenty.

Police officers and medical personnel in Arlington, Virginia were dispatched to a Cheesecake Factory location in the city’s Clarendon neighborhood when the free cheesecake situation got “a little hectic.” A police spokesperson told ARLnow.com that officers were working to “calm the situation down,” during which time they arrested one man who refused to obey police commands to leave The Cheesecake Factory. The man subsequently requested he be transported to the hospital for evaluation of potential injuries.

Social media postings from other Cheesecake Factory locations indicate the scenes were chaotic; one Oklahoma woman called the promotion’s execution “a complete clusterf*.”

Let’s hope this type of confusion and chaos never happens again. But should a cheesecake promotion go haywire in the future, readers, we want you to be prepared. Please read the following, print it out, and perhaps discuss it as part of your family’s emergency plan:

The Takeout’s Guide To Surviving A Cheesecake Riot

1. Remain calm as you dial 9-1-1.

2. Place your hands behind your neck as you curl into the fetal position thusly.

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3. Stop, drop, and roll.

4. Adjust your own oxygen mask before helping others near you who may need assistance. Oxygen is flowing though the bag may not inflate.

5. While others are in the fetal position, spring toward the bakery case to grab the last remaining cheesecake slices. Suckers!

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