The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel is reporting that some total butthole ordered an ice cream sundae and just waltzed away with the dish, as if the fact that he does the voice for a tree in a movie suddenly means he’s above the law, like suddenly all dishes are his dishes because he’s, like, so fast and so furious, so he can just take a dish and it doesn’t even matter, I mean, come on—what the fuck, dude?
Vin Diesel, professional actor, was in Hartford, Wisconsin to visit family this week, and he decided to stop by the adorably named Scoop DeVille for a treat. He ordered a hot fudge sundae with nuts and whipped cream, which owner Ray Stelzer happily made for him in a cute little glass dish. Then he just walked away with it, and it’s on video, man. According to Carrie Stelzer, Ray Stelzer’s business partner (and wife), it’s totally cool and he can keep the dish, but seriously.
This act of seriously-bro-what-the-fuck-itude prompted a minutes-long discussion in the Takeout’s morning staff call about how famous and/or beloved you have to be to steal dishware from a restaurant and come out of it without looking like a total jag. Our general consensus was that you have to be really famous and at least somewhat beloved, or marginally famous but seriously beloved.
Sarah Michelle Gellar can steal ice cream dishes, no problem. Katy Perry cannot. Angela Bassett could steal every ice cream dish in the place and, were I the owner of an adorably named ice cream parlor, I’d send her off with my blessing. Geraldo could not. I’d gladly allow Carly Rae Jepsen, RuPaul, Sandra Oh, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Victor Garber, Gina Rodriguez, and Andre Braugher to steal any and all pieces of glassware. Cloth napkins are also fine. All Jenners are a hard no; Tom Brady is an even harder no; Jared Leto is the hardest of hard nos. There was some internal dissent on the matter of Taylor Swift.
Samantha Bee, John Oliver, Robin Thede, Seth Meyers, Dick Cavett, and Stephen Colbert can steal from me.
Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien, James Corden, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Carson Daly, Ryan Seacrest, and the ghost of Johnny Carson cannot. Jon Stewart can.
I’m on the fence about Trevor Noah.
Michelle Obama would never. The Rock would never. Vin Diesel cannot.