5 Food Mascots To Lust After Now That The Green M&M Isn't Sexy Anymore

Last week, M&M's parent company, Mars, Inc., announced that the brand's anthropomorphized candy mascots will undergo a makeover. Specifically, they're getting "more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling." The company said the character makeover is part of its "global commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong and society is inclusive"—but all anyone could focus on was the Green M&M's dowdy rebrand. (Read: they got rid of her sexy little boots.) Twitter users called for the company to "re-yassify the M&Ms immediately." Even Tucker Carlson, the world's least sensual block of sentient mayonnaise, condemned the updated M&M's characters as "less sexy."

With this in mind, we have assessed the food mascot community as a whole. Despite M&M's rebrand, there are plenty of sexy mascots out there for consumers to enjoy. Which mascots churn up our carnal urges? Which animated foodstuffs filled us with forbidden desires? With the Super Bowl around the corner, we have a simple plea: for the love of God, don't strip these mascots of their horned-up auras.

What's more alluring than a big, burly mustache? A big, burly mustache sprinkled with Pringles potato chip crumbs, that's what. The Pringles man represents peak masculinity. His head is perfectly ovular, suggesting the presence of a thick, juicy brain. He has no hair, which leaves him with more time to tend to his rich mahogany 'stache. The 'stache itself curls opulently at each end, taking the shape of a plump water slide that delivers revelers to a world of pure ecstasy.

He's also got an air of mystery, which is undeniably tantalizing. For one, he's silent. And though he does have a name—Julius Pringle—he doesn't have much lore to speak of. That leaves us to fill in the blanks for ourselves. Is he a collector of rare wines? A weekend woodworker? Does he have a torso, or does that egg-shaped noggin float from place to place with the spirit of a rogue adventurer? The mind certainly reels.

For anyone whose first-ever crush was Simba from The Lion King, it's only a short leap to lionizing Tony the Tiger, the Frosted Flakes cereal mascot. Tony oozes confidence, is gregarious and kind, always with a compliment about how "grrrrr-eat!" you are at the ready. And don't even get me started on that sexy little neckerchief.

Chester Cheetah, Cheetos spokescat, is one cool customer—the cheesy snack world's resident bad boy. In the '90s he was a real adrenaline junkie, but lately sticks to more elevated hijinks. Sure, he sometimes drives you crazy, but one wink from behind those sunglasses and he'll drive you crazy, if you know what I mean.

If you look at the evolution of the man, the Jolly Green Giant has gotten progressively sexier over time. He has gone from a caveman holding a stalk of corn to a muscular, green behemoth standing proud in full superhero stance. And why shouldn't he? The man's whole job is promoting the idea of getting your necessary servings of greens.

Not to mention, he does all this while rocking a one-shouldered tunic that perfectly matches his skin tone and shows off just enough skin to make you think, "I wonder what's under those leafy greens?" (wink, wink). So not only is he fit and confident, he's also admirable for his desire to help everyone eat more nutritiously. We're here both for the physical glow-up and the encouragement to eat our veggies. We'll have him with a side of ranch, please.

Many of us have a love-hate relationship with raisins. But even haters can admit that encountering the occasional raisin isn't so bad if it comes from a box emblazoned with The Sun-Maid Raisin lady. She's gone through lots of iterations, but there's always been something mysterious about her as she holds that basket of grapes. She's always smiling, she's sun-kissed, she clearly gets a ton of outdoor time. What's your secret, Sun-Maid maiden? We promise to eat tons of raisins if you tell us.