Last week, M&M’s parent company, Mars, Inc., announced that the brand’s anthropomorphized candy mascots will undergo a makeover. Specifically, they’re getting “more nuanced personalities to underscore the importance of self-expression and power of community through storytelling.” The company said the character makeover is part of its “global commitment to creating a world where everyone feels they belong and society is inclusive”—but all anyone could focus on was the Green M&M’s dowdy rebrand. (Read: they got rid of her sexy little boots.) Twitter users called for the company to “re-yassify the M&Ms immediately.” Even Tucker Carlson, the world’s least sensual block of sentient mayonnaise, condemned the updated M&M’s characters as “less sexy.”
With this in mind, we have assessed the food mascot community as a whole. Despite M&M’s rebrand, there are plenty of sexy mascots out there for consumers to enjoy. Which mascots churn up our carnal urges? Which animated foodstuffs filled us with forbidden desires? With the Super Bowl around the corner, we have a simple plea: for the love of God, don’t strip these mascots of their horned-up auras.