My friend Julie and I have a game we play—or played, before we both gave up watching football—every time the New England Patriots win something, especially when that something is the Super Bowl. We imagine all the small indignities of life that must be extra bothersome to Tom Brady. Realizing you don’t have lip balm minutes after boarding for a long direct flight. Waiting at a super long stoplight when no other traffic is around. Sleeping when your feet are hot but every other part of your body is cold. When your mouth just tastes funny sometimes. Well, on Friday, Tom Brady got a giant birthday cake. I mean, giant. 300 lbs. of buttercream. 900 lbs. of cake. And if I am not much mistaken, due to his meal plan, he can’t even fucking eat it, hahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha.
The Boston Globe reports that the Patriots chose to celebrate their admittedly very skilled and also pretty insufferable quarterback by giving a big ol’ cake. It’s a giant 12—and thus sort of two cakes, and if we’re being honest the two cakes that are really one cake are made up of 90 sheet cakes—which is Brady’s jersey number. It’s 12x12 (get it?) It’s red velvet and vanilla. It took 2,000 eggs, 250 lbs. of sugar, 200 lbs. of flour, 150 pounds each of unsalted butter and shortening, 100 lbs. (lbs.?) of milk, and five lbs. of baking powder. It can feed 8,000 people, and none of those people is Tom Brady, tra la la, tra lay!
The cake, which cost the Patriots an undisclosed amount of money (read: a fuckton of cash), was in residence at Patriots training camp. It looked delicious. I don’t know that for sure, though, and neither does Tom Brady!
To be fair, he might have tried it. Perhaps in a moment of human weakness, he scarfed down a piece of that beauty. But I doubt it, and I think we should take the Ws when they come.