Screenshot: YouTube

Space is cool. Sending stuff to space is cool. Studying space is cool. Telling stories about space is cool. And booze is pretty cool, too. So why—tell me, really—am I so thoroughly underwhelmed by the idea of Ten-Forward Vodka?

Take it away, TenForwardVodka dot com:

Celebrating the bold spirit of exploration embodied by the Enterprise and its crew, Ten-Forward Vodka is made from choice American Grain, carefully distilled 6 times, and delivered via terrestrial and interstellar transport for the enjoyment of discerning adventurers on planet Earth, aboard the Starship Enterprise-D, and across the galaxy.

So yeah, they’re sending this vodka to space. More specifically, they’re sending some vodka to space (To where in space? How far outside our atmosphere? Will it leave the ship? Is this, like, a peek-outside-the-atmosphere situation or is this thing going to orbit? These are a few of my questions). Again to quote the website, once the indeterminate amount of vodka comes back from an unnamed part of space after an unknown amount of time, “this grain spirit will be carefully protected and blended into the stocks of Ten-Forward Vodka insuring that a portion of every bottle will contain vodka from space, allowing discerning vodka drinkers to go where no man has gone before.”

There are much, much bigger Star Trek fans out there, but I am a Next Generation girl through and through. When I was growing up, I always loved the scenes in Ten-Forward, the lounge where all the drankin’ and some big feelings were likely to happen. I also loved Whoopi Goldberg, and cool hats. As mentioned above, I love space. And I love spirits. And I love cheesy marketing ploys. I am an extremely easy mark. To cap it all off, this bottle’s suggested price is $29.99. which is pretty darn good for space vodka. And yet, I am still less than enticed. Get back to me when Chris Hadfield un-retires, builds a still in space, makes potato vodka, sings a song about said vodka, and return said vodka to earth. Then I’ll be excited.

There’s also a James T. Kirk Bourbon, apparently “selected from choice barrels from Kentucky, Tennessee, and Indiana. Aging in range from 4 years old to 12 years old, each small batch release of James T. Kirk Bourbon exhibits a depth and richness seen in only the finest Bourbon.”

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That is an extremely vague description. Get it together, novelty spirits world.