Update, 2:50 p.m.: Friends, in our eagerness to find a spark of joy on the internet, we’ve all been had. The bot is not, in fact, a bot, as our much-smarter friends at Gizmodo point out. But damn, it was a good ride. And we’d still eat unlimited stick.
You could argue the internet was created by the Department Of Defense for the purpose of linking communications across multiple computers. I would argue, though, that the internet was actually created to generate dog videos and incredible tweets like this one: Comedian Keaton Patti says he forced a bot to “watch” 1,000 hours of Olive Garden commercials. Presumably using machine learning, the bot then spat out its own script for an Olive Garden commercial. It is pure gold.
The bot-generated commercial opens as friends sit down at an Olive Garden and the waitress presents their food, saying simply: “Unlimited stick,” then “Gluten Classico. From the kitchen.” The friends confer, and decide: “We [sic] the Gluten Classico. We believe the waitress it is from the kitchen. We have no reason not to believe.” Later, Friend 4 smiles, revealing a mouth full of “secret soup.” Secret soup, presumably into which one dunks one’s unlimited stick.
The bot’s dialogue and reimagining of Olive Garden menu items is just off enough, just nihilistic and tech-cold enough to be a new internet classic. The sign-off? “Olive Garden. When you’re here, you’re here.”