These Wines Are Far Too Sexual

Wine has become very horny. I don't know if you've noticed, but every bottle of red you see on shelves lately is called something like "Fornication" or "Sensual Eagle." The labels themselves are soft-core porno, usually featuring excited imagery like a woman whispering into a man's ear or a bunch of cupids planning an orgy. It's honestly surprising that this wine doesn't feature outright nudity. Seemingly the only rule for retail wine is that it must be sexual in tone and presentation. I worry that the people in charge of marketing wine desperately need to get laid. Their brains appear to be so clouded with sexual fantasies that they can't think of a name for Merlot that doesn't involve the phrase "between the sheets." It's becoming too much and, often, corny as hell. I swear to God that I just now took a wild guess that there's probably a bottle of wine out there called Quiver, and yep, of course there is. The marketing for wine always reads like a bad romance novel. Sex is fun, but these horned-up winos come across like people who only ever call it lovemaking.

I've got a joke about this exact topic on my debut comedy album, available to stream today on Spotify and Pandora or to purchase on iTunes (sorry I'm promoting again). I decided to dig a little more into the topic and I found a whole swingers' party full of ridiculously horny wines. Some of them work; others are flat-out confusing. Here are the most sexually suggestive wines I found and my suggestions for how to fix them.

This brand gets right to the point: Buy this wine if you dream about the anonymity of a random sexual encounter. Doesn't a complete stranger, and the thrill of a spontaneous hookup, sound hot? As somebody who has had sex while wearing a fake mustache and a full sleeve of fake food tattoos (separate occasions), this is a concept I can fully get behind. However, none of this makes me think of wine, and I don't know if "stranger" should ever be in the title of an alcoholic beverage. It's got too many dangerous implications. If I were in charge, I would rename this wine "Hot Neighbor" and hope nobody notices.

I still remember the first time I drank Ménage à Trois in 2007. It gave me a headache and I fell asleep in my parents' basement playing Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance. Despite that, I think Ménage à Trois is a nice, horny name for a bottle of wine. Anything French sells, and it's much more elegant than saying "threesome," which is crude. Beer-swilling plebeians say "threesome." Parisian aristocrats say ménage à trois. Still, ménage à trois sounds like something Fraiser would say and I hate it. My idea is to simply update this wine's name to Open. "Open" could mean all sorts of things, both sexy and non-, but at its core it invites horny interpretations, just like us.

What's the implication here? That people think Earth is sexy? I guess Mother Earth is technically nude. And if you Google image search "sexy trees" some cool stuff does pop up. I like that the advertising for this wine implies full nudity while also embracing the environment. It's sexy, organic wine for the eco-friendly deviant. That said, the earth being nude is weird and you shouldn't want to fuck the earth. I'd rename this wine Sex Planet. Sells itself. Damn, I'm good at this.

I'm confused by this one because owls are sexless wizard pets that exist in a world where people say things like "go visit the mage atop the mountain." In my humble opinion, owls have no sex appeal. Birds don't even have external sexual organs! They just sort of rub against each other like two awkward teenagers in a car. Quick—picture two owls having sex. What do you see? For me they're just eating Tootsie Pops. You know what a horny animal is? Squirrels. They are constantly fucking each other. Every time you see a squirrel scurry up a tree, that squirrel is on its way to go have sex with another squirrel. Very erotic creature. That's why I'd rename this wine Furry. A rebrand specifically targeted to people who meet up in hotel rooms to have sex while dressed up like woodland creatures.

Jesus, why not just call this wine Codependent and be done with it? "Tether" is too dramatic of a word to use in everyday life. The divorce rate is up, monogamy is going out of style, and no one wants to feel trapped. The only thing I like about the word tether is that it makes love sound like some sort of suicide pact, which it arguably is. Still, it's 2020, and getting married is for losers. A better name for this wine would be "Poly Trolly" or something else that cuts the cord. Maybe the label is a bunch of people having sex in a train car? Look, not my best work.

This wine irritates me because it uses antiquated phrasing. Nobody calls having sex "going all the way" anymore. If you're not the less athletic friend of the high school quarterback in an '80s movie, don't talk about sex like you've been lying about having it your entire life. The only person who would ask if you went "all the way" is an alien that has studied human culture on a half-century delay. It's like saying "doing it" or "making love" or "knockin' boots" (Jesus Christ). Update the terminology, you nerds! Rename this wine Smash and receive your well-earned promotion.

Because you can't name a Tempranillo "Crying In The Bathtub."

I guess this is a German wine that combines two different types of grapes, the Portugieser grape and the Dornfelder grape. Still, Pornfelder sounds like an occupation in which an old German farmer wakes up early to go tend the porn fields. Just miles and miles of sex on an open range. A booming porn industry. The sun is shining. Everybody's rich. I like this sex-positive utopia. Good on you, Pornfelder.

I imagine the word cougar is only being used these days by people who still watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother. Have you heard anybody say "cougar" recently? Is it 2009? That said, I get it, because you can't name a wine something as explicit as "Hot Mom." This is a tough one. My suggestion: Rebrand this sparkling white as "Late Thirties" and it'll sell just fine among the target demo. Whatever keeps people from saying the word cougar is a win. Who are you, Vince Vaughn?