The Takeout's Fantasy Food Draft: Best Chocolate Candy
Welcome, dear readers, to The Takeout Draft, our recurring feature that combines our love of food, fantasy sports, and arguing on Slack.
Every week, we will select a topic of conversation from the food and drink world. Takeout staffers will then field a team via the snake draft format. After five rounds, The Takeout commenteriat will vote on who they believe was victorious in that week's draft. At the end of the year, the staffer with the most weekly victories will select a charity of his/her choice that The Takeout will make a donation towards.
The winner of last week's Takeout Draft: Best Burger Topping, as voted by readers: Kate Bernot!
Staff writer Gwen Ihnat is out this week, so in her place will be The Takeout's Candy Bureau Chief Marnie Shure! For our Week 3 draft, we've chosen a fitting topic for Marnie's presence: Best chocolate candy.
Kate Bernot: Marnie is a worthy participant and a fearsome opponent.
Allison Shoemaker: Yeah, feels like we're all competing for second place here.
Marnie Shure: I'm so honored to be here among people who revere me.
Kevin Pang: As always, we'll be employing the snake draft format, and our names have been submitted to a list randomizer. Here is the draft order:
- Kate Bernot
- Marnie Shure
- Kevin Pang
- Allison Shoemaker
KB: One of the fun aspects of this draft is that we get to see which Takeout writer (singular) actually knows about sports.
MS: I had to do some research about "drafts" and what those are, and how they work.
KP: Kate, you will now have 30 seconds on the board to make your overall No. 1 draft pick for Chocolate Candy.
KB: Okay, with my first pick, I choose you, Reese's!
Reese's hardly needs explaining, but: Unless you have a peanut allergy, I think it's near universally beloved.
MS: WELL DONE
AS: Kate, what Reese's specifically?
Cups? Pieces? Eggs?
KB: Do I have to choose a shape?
KP: I say yes
MS: Yes
KB: Ugh. OK, I vote Reese's Minis.
KP: WHOA
KB: They have a better texture than standard cups.
MS: W O W
KB: More edges! I love the edges.
MS: The minis are too sturdy. The original has a lovely delicacy to its center
KP: Okay Marnie, you have our second pick of the day. You choose...
MS: Oh, I choose easily. I choose Whoppers.
Whoppers are not only immaculate, delicious, and fun to break apart in your mouth, but they are NOT beholden to the vice tax placed on chocolate candies in many counties across the country! They contain flour, so they're considered "food" rather than candy.
KB: I do like Whoppers, but they're a bold first-round choice.
MS: I'm bold as they come
KB: You are the expert though Marnie. Maybe I need to eat more Whoppers.
KP: Hot take: Maltesers are superior to Whoppers
Except they're rarely found in America
Maltesers, in my opinion, are maltier and less waxy than Whoppers
But I also grew up in a British commonwealth
MS: Very true of the European ones. The American equivalents feel more plasticky inside to me.
More like the inside of the dreaded Crunchie bar.
(But I get ahead of myself)
KP: For my first round pick, I choose Kit Kat. Modular. You can eat one, two, three, or four. The wafer+chocolate combination I find delightful. It feels prim and proper.
MS: Ugh yes absolutely
ALSO exempt from the vice tax
KB: I've never been a huge Kit Kat fan. Kinda cardboardy inside, to me.
AS: Sacrilege!
KP: Among mainstream American chocolate candies it is the classiest of the bar-variety.
MS: The bag of unwrapped Kit Kat Minis is my grocery store go-to.
KB: If I want wafers, give me a Manner cookie any time (candy vs. cookie, I know, but...)
KP: Allison, you have our next two picks!
AS: Okay, to be perfectly clear—the standard-size Reece's is now off the table?
KP: Yes.
AS: Then I choose the incredible, edible Cadbury Egg.
KP: Ooooh
MS: A SEASONAL pick???
AS: Indulgent. Compact. Endearingly messy.
MS: What a curve ball
KB: Adorable spokesanimal
AS: Like the McRib, it has a built-in scarcity that makes it extra special.
KB: "The McRib of candy" is not a phrase I expected to think today
AS: And super, duper delicious.
MS: Here's why the Cadbury Egg is an interesting choice to me:
Are we considering, as part of this draft, chocolate candies that we could eat most regularly? Because a Cadbury Egg decidedly does not fit that category....for me, at least!
Could you eat them with regularity? I think I'd get sick of them.
AS: That's you!
MS: No judgments if they are part of your daily routine!
AS: I don't want one all the time, but when I do, there's nothing like it.
MS: Very true
AS: No chocolate is a part of my daily routine.
MS: Oh....uh......yes, me neither
KB: I could eat a Reese's every day, I'm confident.
AS: We are drafting the world's best chocolate candies. I'd get sick of any of them.
That doesn't make this one not delicious.
But looking forward to losing, apparently!
MS: I respect your reasoning!
KP: To bring it back to sports, you're essentially drafting someone who could hit 30 towering home runs vs. someone who can hit .310 at the plate everyday
It's all in what you value
AS: I'm drafting a delicious candy.
My next pick: Snickers!
KP: Ffffffuuuuuu....
MS: pfft, take it
AS: Able to transform a foul-mouthed Betty White back into a regular football player.
KP: Allison, can you explain to us the joys of a Snickers bar for you?
AS: Sure. It's hearty!
MS: Ooo, the protein argument! I love that
KP: I feel that a Snickers scratches the peanut butter itch without it technically it being peanut butter
AS: I just meant filling. The marketing works on me apparently.
MS: It's excellent marketing
AS: Anyway, it's great in tiny form but also in its full-size, and it's a delicious blend of both tastes and textures.
And is the only candy bar I'd turn to if I felt like I was hungry, but not necessarily in the mood for sweets.
KP: My next pick will shake the draft to its core
Dove Milk Chocolate Squares
MS: oh my GOD
KB: Whoa
KP: It is inarguably the finest mass-market pure chocolate extant
MS: "inarguably"?!?!?! wow
AS: The people at Hershey's would like a word
KP: Hershey's is sugary, compared to the milky, velvety chocolate squares of Dove's
[Mic drop] to Marnie, who is next.
MS: Springboarding off of the Snickers pick, I'll throw my hat in the ring for its sister product: the Milky Way
It's silkier than Snickers by a mile, I guess because no peanuts are vying for your attention.
The caramel seems runnier, like the way it looks in commercials
KP: solid
MS: Both the dark chocolate and milk chocolate versions are great.
KB: Alright, can't believe no one has yet picked... Peanut M&Ms!
Crunchy, chocolatey, sugary... man oh man
Mixed with salted popcorn, they are next-level.
MS: I need to try that immediately
KP: Kate Bernot's picks is brought to you by EpiPens™
KB: Yep, I have a thing for peanut/chocolate combos
KP: And your next pick?
KB: I'm going to throw a curveball for my next pick and say York's Peppermint Patty
AS: Dammit
KB: I swear I'm not 100 years old
MS: !!!
prove it
AS: I live for The Snap, I'd die for The Snap
KB: But they are great! Why do they get a bad rap? Refreshing, kinda classy, classic minty-chocolate combo.
MS: Do they get a bad rap?
Are they considered geriatric?
KB: I think people consider them boring?
MS: Their loss!
My next pick was going to be Junior Mints—I'd argue these aren't overly similar to York Peppermint Patties because their chocolate and their insides are pretty radically different from York
The chocolate is more shell-like, and the innards are almost liquefied, like a Cadbury Egg's consistency
It's a great delivery system for little bursts of mint flavor
KP: Junior Mints + Salted Popcorn = Another wonderful combination at movie theaters
MS: The stuff of nightmares
KP: 'Dem are fightin' words Shure
KB: Junior Mints are underappreciated
KP: OK, for my next pick, I'm going out of the mainstream again.
Toblerone
Swiss
Chocolate
Honey + Almond Nougat
TRIANGLES MOTHERFUCKERS
MS: They're certainly not bad, but I'll forever associate them with their befuddling price tag in hotel room mini bars.
KP: Buy them at Walgreens, not at the Four Seasons
MS: Sound economic advice!
KB: Remember when Toblerone switched its shape a bit and people freaked out?
MS: We're prone to freaking
We love our Tasty Products
KP: Facebook changed a pixel on their "Like" button and there was 300,000 signatures on change.org
AS: I'm going to go ahead and further befuddle Kate by drafting the mighty 3 Musketeers
Gimme all that fluffy, magical nougat
MS: Light as a feather!
AS: Great in tiny form, too (I love a Fun Size)
And bonus points for being so good frozen
KB: That is intriguing to me
MS: I've got a lot of candy homework ahead of me
AS: Plus you get to make lots of literary puns
I love a pun
KP: And your next pick, Allison?
AS: For my penultimate selection, I'm going to go with one of my weirdo favorites
All hail the mighty Caramello
And its super '90s commercials
MS: Yes!! Where they all lean back!!
AS: 🎵 Stretch it out! out! out! Caramello 🎵
MS: I still hear the jingle in my head when I see them on the shelf
AS: Can be easily broken into small pieces, great caramel, creamy chocolate
KP: For my 4th round pick, I choose: 100 Grand Bar
It is my belief that crispy rice is an underrated ingredient in chocolate bars, and I'm not just saying this because I'm Chinese.
MS: Great dark horse choices this round!
KB: Except Krackel
KP: Are you pro or anti-Krackle, Kate?
I need to know for your performance review
KB: Anti-Krackel, sorry
KP: Marnie you're up now
MS: I cannot BELIEVE that Twix is still on the table!
That cookie crunch is such a signature flavor
They're so good that the chocolate is just enough to hold all the other ingredients together. It's not even the most exciting part of a Twix!
They're also equally good fresh and stale.
KB: Alright, taking a big stretch and cracking my knuckles
MS: Krackeling your knuckles
KB: I'm going Hershey's Hugs
Don't stone me, commenters!
MS: You are brave
KP: 😱😱😱😱😱
KB: But I really like them. I don't like Hershey Kisses particularly, or white chocolate, but together... I don't know.
I can't explain it.
They texture is sort of melty-oozy if you let them melt in your mouth.
MS: Yes, much silkier than regular Kisses
KP: I feel like your pick isn't the sum of the parts is greater than the whole, it's that you're taking the white chocolate to mute the relative awfulness of Hershey's standard chocolate
Addition by subtraction
KB: Sort of? I do like the Kisses shape, so maybe it's just that Hugs > Kisses
AS: I love Hugs. And hugs.
KP: OK, I applaud your braveness, Kate
Your last pick of the day is...
KB: Butterfinger
You really see where I stand on the peanut butter/chocolate combination.
MS: proud of you
KB: I even love its weird flakes that crumble off like dust.
AS: Man, that would have been my pick as a kid, but they just aren't as good anymore.
MS: Anyone try the new recipe yet??
KB: I was also a huge Simpsons fan as a kid, which no doubt boosted Butterfinger's popularity in my developing mind.
KP: Wait a second, I believe one Marnie Shure called Butterfingers "overrated" (citation: The Takeout, 3/18/19)
MS: YES but only because they are stale so often!
A fresh Butterfinger is the work of God's confectionery
KP: Okay Marnie, your last pick of the day:
MS: In the interest of the greatest variety of fillings among my picks: the Mallo Cup
KB: Whoa
MS: Cup candies are a richer, more diverse arena than Reese's alone would have you believe
And marshmallow goo turns out to lend itself fantastically to the ridged chocolate cup!
KB: Like a Mallomar without the cookie?
MS: Sort of!
Just the perfect one-dose candy
KP: For my last pick, I choose Andes Creme De Menthe Thins. I love chocolate + mint, but I find Andes superior to York's and Junior Mints, and I'll tell you why: Those other "mints" are white, and thus they taste white. Andes' mint is green. It tastes green, and therefore, better.
MS: The science checks out
KP: Also I like how the chocolate and mint is integrated into one texture
I was a big York's fan as a child but now that white goo reminds me of my toddler's toothpaste
Sorry Kate
MS: I'm never having children
No one will ruin candy for me
KP: Allison, last pick of the draft! Make it a good one.
AS: Peanut Butter M&M's
The ultimate movie theater candy
KB: You know how I feel about this.
Extremely positive, for the record.
AS: And I spend a lot of time in movie theaters
MS: PB M&M > Peanut M&M, imo
AS: Peanut M&Ms are good! Peanut Butter are better.
Like the Snickers, just a little hearty.
Not so sweet.
Very satisfying crunch/creamy combo.
Thick shell.
Week 3 Draft Results
Who won? Your vote counts!