Photo: artisteer (iStock), Graphic: Natalie Peeples
Takeout DraftFood. Fantasy sports. Debating over Slack. Welcome to The Takeout Draft.  

Welcome, dear readers, to The Takeout Draft, our recurring feature that combines our love of food, fantasy sports, and arguing on Slack.

Every week, we will select a topic of conversation from the food and drink world. Takeout staffers will then field a team via the snake draft format. After five rounds, The Takeout commenteriat will vote on who they believe was victorious in that week’s draft. At the end of the year, the staffer with the most weekly victories will select a charity of his/her choice that The Takeout will make a donation towards.

The winner of last week’s Takeout Draft: Best Burger Topping, as voted by readers: Kate Bernot!

Staff writer Gwen Ihnat is out this week, so in her place will be The Takeout’s Candy Bureau Chief Marnie Shure! For our Week 3 draft, we’ve chosen a fitting topic for Marnie’s presence: Best chocolate candy.

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Photo: Jeffrey Greenberg/UIG (Getty Images)

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Kate Bernot: Marnie is a worthy participant and a fearsome opponent.

Allison Shoemaker: Yeah, feels like we’re all competing for second place here.

Marnie Shure: I’m so honored to be here among people who revere me.

Kevin Pang: As always, we’ll be employing the snake draft format, and our names have been submitted to a list randomizer. Here is the draft order:

  1. Kate Bernot
  2. Marnie Shure
  3. Kevin Pang
  4. Allison Shoemaker

KB: One of the fun aspects of this draft is that we get to see which Takeout writer (singular) actually knows about sports.

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MS: I had to do some research about “drafts” and what those are, and how they work.

KP: Kate, you will now have 30 seconds on the board to make your overall No. 1 draft pick for Chocolate Candy.

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KB: Okay, with my first pick, I choose you, Reese’s!

Reese’s hardly needs explaining, but: Unless you have a peanut allergy, I think it’s near universally beloved.

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MS: WELL DONE

AS: Kate, what Reese’s specifically?

Cups? Pieces? Eggs?

KB: Do I have to choose a shape?

KP: I say yes

MS: Yes

KB: Ugh. OK, I vote Reese’s Minis.

KP: WHOA

KB: They have a better texture than standard cups.

MS: W O W

KB: More edges! I love the edges.

MS: The minis are too sturdy. The original has a lovely delicacy to its center

KP: Okay Marnie, you have our second pick of the day. You choose...

MS: Oh, I choose easily. I choose Whoppers.

Whoppers are not only immaculate, delicious, and fun to break apart in your mouth, but they are NOT beholden to the vice tax placed on chocolate candies in many counties across the country! They contain flour, so they’re considered “food” rather than candy.

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Photo: Garrett Aitken (Getty Images)

KB: I do like Whoppers, but they’re a bold first-round choice.

MS: I’m bold as they come

KB: You are the expert though Marnie. Maybe I need to eat more Whoppers.

KP: Hot take: Maltesers are superior to Whoppers

Except they’re rarely found in America

Maltesers, in my opinion, are maltier and less waxy than Whoppers

But I also grew up in a British commonwealth

MS: Very true of the European ones. The American equivalents feel more plasticky inside to me.

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More like the inside of the dreaded Crunchie bar.

(But I get ahead of myself)

KP: For my first round pick, I choose Kit Kat. Modular. You can eat one, two, three, or four. The wafer+chocolate combination I find delightful. It feels prim and proper.

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MS: Ugh yes absolutely

ALSO exempt from the vice tax

KB: I’ve never been a huge Kit Kat fan. Kinda cardboardy inside, to me.

AS: Sacrilege!

KP: Among mainstream American chocolate candies it is the classiest of the bar-variety.

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MS: The bag of unwrapped Kit Kat Minis is my grocery store go-to.

KB: If I want wafers, give me a Manner cookie any time (candy vs. cookie, I know, but...)

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KP: Allison, you have our next two picks!

AS: Okay, to be perfectly clear—the standard-size Reece’s is now off the table?

KP: Yes.

AS: Then I choose the incredible, edible Cadbury Egg.

KP: Ooooh

MS: A SEASONAL pick???

AS: Indulgent. Compact. Endearingly messy.

MS: What a curve ball

KB: Adorable spokesanimal

AS: Like the McRib, it has a built-in scarcity that makes it extra special.

KB: “The McRib of candy” is not a phrase I expected to think today

AS: And super, duper delicious.

MS: Here’s why the Cadbury Egg is an interesting choice to me:

Are we considering, as part of this draft, chocolate candies that we could eat most regularly? Because a Cadbury Egg decidedly does not fit that category....for me, at least!

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Could you eat them with regularity? I think I’d get sick of them.

AS: That’s you!

MS: No judgments if they are part of your daily routine!

AS: I don’t want one all the time, but when I do, there’s nothing like it.

MS: Very true

AS: No chocolate is a part of my daily routine.

MS: Oh....uh......yes, me neither

KB: I could eat a Reese’s every day, I’m confident.

AS: We are drafting the world’s best chocolate candies. I’d get sick of any of them.

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That doesn’t make this one not delicious.

But looking forward to losing, apparently!

MS: I respect your reasoning!

KP: To bring it back to sports, you’re essentially drafting someone who could hit 30 towering home runs vs. someone who can hit .310 at the plate everyday

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It’s all in what you value

AS: I’m drafting a delicious candy.

My next pick: Snickers!

KP: Ffffffuuuuuu....

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MS: pfft, take it

AS: Able to transform a foul-mouthed Betty White back into a regular football player.

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KP: Allison, can you explain to us the joys of a Snickers bar for you?

AS: Sure. It’s hearty!

MS: Ooo, the protein argument! I love that

KP: I feel that a Snickers scratches the peanut butter itch without it technically it being peanut butter

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AS: I just meant filling. The marketing works on me apparently.

MS: It’s excellent marketing

AS: Anyway, it’s great in tiny form but also in its full-size, and it’s a delicious blend of both tastes and textures.

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And is the only candy bar I’d turn to if I felt like I was hungry, but not necessarily in the mood for sweets.

KP: My next pick will shake the draft to its core

Dove Milk Chocolate Squares

MS: oh my GOD

KB: Whoa

KP: It is inarguably the finest mass-market pure chocolate extant

MS: “inarguably”?!?!?! wow

AS: The people at Hershey’s would like a word

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KP: Hershey’s is sugary, compared to the milky, velvety chocolate squares of Dove’s

[Mic drop] to Marnie, who is next.

MS: Springboarding off of the Snickers pick, I’ll throw my hat in the ring for its sister product: the Milky Way

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It’s silkier than Snickers by a mile, I guess because no peanuts are vying for your attention.

The caramel seems runnier, like the way it looks in commercials

KP: solid

MS: Both the dark chocolate and milk chocolate versions are great.

KB: Alright, can’t believe no one has yet picked... Peanut M&Ms!

Crunchy, chocolatey, sugary... man oh man

Mixed with salted popcorn, they are next-level.

MS: I need to try that immediately

KP: Kate Bernot’s picks is brought to you by EpiPens™

KB: Yep, I have a thing for peanut/chocolate combos

KP: And your next pick?

KB: I’m going to throw a curveball for my next pick and say York’s Peppermint Patty

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AS: Dammit

KB: I swear I’m not 100 years old

MS: !!!

prove it

AS: I live for The Snap, I’d die for The Snap

KB: But they are great! Why do they get a bad rap? Refreshing, kinda classy, classic minty-chocolate combo.

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MS: Do they get a bad rap?

Are they considered geriatric?

KB: I think people consider them boring?

MS: Their loss!

My next pick was going to be Junior Mints—I’d argue these aren’t overly similar to York Peppermint Patties because their chocolate and their insides are pretty radically different from York

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The chocolate is more shell-like, and the innards are almost liquefied, like a Cadbury Egg’s consistency

It’s a great delivery system for little bursts of mint flavor

KP: Junior Mints + Salted Popcorn = Another wonderful combination at movie theaters

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MS: The stuff of nightmares

KP: ‘Dem are fightin’ words Shure

KB: Junior Mints are underappreciated

KP: OK, for my next pick, I’m going out of the mainstream again.

Toblerone

Swiss

Chocolate

Honey + Almond Nougat

TRIANGLES MOTHERFUCKERS

MS: They’re certainly not bad, but I’ll forever associate them with their befuddling price tag in hotel room mini bars.

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KP: Buy them at Walgreens, not at the Four Seasons

MS: Sound economic advice!

Photo: Neilson Barnard (Getty Images)

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KB: Remember when Toblerone switched its shape a bit and people freaked out?

MS: We’re prone to freaking

We love our Tasty Products

KP: Facebook changed a pixel on their “Like” button and there was 300,000 signatures on change.org

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AS: I’m going to go ahead and further befuddle Kate by drafting the mighty 3 Musketeers

Gimme all that fluffy, magical nougat

MS: Light as a feather!

AS: Great in tiny form, too (I love a Fun Size)

And bonus points for being so good frozen

KB: That is intriguing to me

MS: I’ve got a lot of candy homework ahead of me

AS: Plus you get to make lots of literary puns

I love a pun

KP: And your next pick, Allison?

AS: For my penultimate selection, I’m going to go with one of my weirdo favorites

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All hail the mighty Caramello

And its super ‘90s commercials

MS: Yes!! Where they all lean back!!

AS: 🎵 Stretch it out! out! out! Caramello 🎵

MS: I still hear the jingle in my head when I see them on the shelf

AS: Can be easily broken into small pieces, great caramel, creamy chocolate

KP: For my 4th round pick, I choose: 100 Grand Bar

It is my belief that crispy rice is an underrated ingredient in chocolate bars, and I’m not just saying this because I’m Chinese.

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MS: Great dark horse choices this round!

KB: Except Krackel

KP: Are you pro or anti-Krackle, Kate?

I need to know for your performance review

KB: Anti-Krackel, sorry

KP: Marnie you’re up now

MS: I cannot BELIEVE that Twix is still on the table!

Photo: Schöning/ullstein bild (Getty Images)

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That cookie crunch is such a signature flavor

They’re so good that the chocolate is just enough to hold all the other ingredients together. It’s not even the most exciting part of a Twix!

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They’re also equally good fresh and stale.

KB: Alright, taking a big stretch and cracking my knuckles

MS: Krackeling your knuckles

KB: I’m going Hershey’s Hugs

Don’t stone me, commenters!

MS: You are brave

KP: 😱😱😱😱😱

KB: But I really like them. I don’t like Hershey Kisses particularly, or white chocolate, but together... I don’t know.

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I can’t explain it.

They texture is sort of melty-oozy if you let them melt in your mouth.

MS: Yes, much silkier than regular Kisses

KP: I feel like your pick isn’t the sum of the parts is greater than the whole, it’s that you’re taking the white chocolate to mute the relative awfulness of Hershey’s standard chocolate

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Addition by subtraction

KB: Sort of? I do like the Kisses shape, so maybe it’s just that Hugs > Kisses

AS: I love Hugs. And hugs.

KP: OK, I applaud your braveness, Kate

Your last pick of the day is...

KB: Butterfinger

You really see where I stand on the peanut butter/chocolate combination.

MS: proud of you

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KB: I even love its weird flakes that crumble off like dust.

AS: Man, that would have been my pick as a kid, but they just aren’t as good anymore.

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MS: Anyone try the new recipe yet??

KB: I was also a huge Simpsons fan as a kid, which no doubt boosted Butterfinger’s popularity in my developing mind.

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KP: Wait a second, I believe one Marnie Shure called Butterfingers “overrated” (citation: The Takeout, 3/18/19)

MS: YES but only because they are stale so often!

A fresh Butterfinger is the work of God’s confectionery

KP: Okay Marnie, your last pick of the day:

MS: In the interest of the greatest variety of fillings among my picks: the Mallo Cup

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KB: Whoa

MS: Cup candies are a richer, more diverse arena than Reese’s alone would have you believe

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And marshmallow goo turns out to lend itself fantastically to the ridged chocolate cup!

KB: Like a Mallomar without the cookie?

MS: Sort of!

Just the perfect one-dose candy

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KP: For my last pick, I choose Andes Creme De Menthe Thins. I love chocolate + mint, but I find Andes superior to York’s and Junior Mints, and I’ll tell you why: Those other “mints” are white, and thus they taste white. Andes’ mint is green. It tastes green, and therefore, better.

MS: The science checks out

KP: Also I like how the chocolate and mint is integrated into one texture

I was a big York’s fan as a child but now that white goo reminds me of my toddler’s toothpaste

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Sorry Kate

MS: I’m never having children

No one will ruin candy for me

KP: Allison, last pick of the draft! Make it a good one.

AS: Peanut Butter M&M’s

The ultimate movie theater candy

KB: You know how I feel about this.

Extremely positive, for the record.

AS: And I spend a lot of time in movie theaters

MS: PB M&M > Peanut M&M, imo

AS: Peanut M&Ms are good! Peanut Butter are better.

Like the Snickers, just a little hearty.

Not so sweet.

Very satisfying crunch/creamy combo.

Thick shell.


Week 3 Draft Results

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Who won? Your vote counts!

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