Last month, while on a very important Takeout mission to Dairy Queen (I swear, it’s a harder job than it sounds like), I, for the first time in my entire life, saw the Wienermobile. While I am not much of a fan of Oscar Meyer wieners (I’m more of a Boar’s Head gal myself), I am a huge fan of gigantic hot dogs on wheels, which is why I decided not to get off at my exit in favor of pursuing the Wienermobile south on I-97 for about ten miles before my 13-year-old son in the passenger seat forced me to stop because I was being “completely irresponsible” and was “supposed to be working.” And so I watched the Wienermobile drive off into the horizon, and I hung my head in disappointment as we continued on to Dairy Queen to eat many, many Blizzards.
I’m still not sure why I decided to engage in a moderate-speed chase with the Wienermobile, nor do I know what I would have done had I caught it. I’d always pictured it to be much bigger than it is in real life, as you can see from the photo at left, taken by my son from a Kia Soul as I was screaming, “THERE IT IS OH MY GOD IF YOU RUIN THIS PHOTO I WILL DISOWN YOU” in his face. The Wienermobile is less like a Mack Truck and more like a sporty little coupe with a gigantic hot dog just plopped on top. It’s the kind of thing I could see myself driving on a daily basis, which prompts the question: Why are there no commercially available cars shaped like hot dogs? I can think of at least a dozen people I know who would jump at the chance to drive a hot dog every day instead of a lame-ass minivan. Think of all the storage space that thing probably has! Imagine taking a gigantic hot dog to Costco! And then I started thinking of all the other food on wheels I would be compelled to chase down I-97 for no comprehensible reason whatsoever. Why are there no Chipotle Burrito Buses or White Castle Slider Smart Cars? If every freaking food brand can put out a stupid Christmas sweater, they can figure out how to slap four wheels and an engine on a 2,000 lb. McNugget or a giant baked potato. We might not have flying cars yet, but in the year 2020, our highways should be bumper-to-bumper with motorized chalupas. Humanity deserves that much.
What junk food jalopy would you most like to drive off the lot?