Elisabeth Moss, Madeline Brewer
Photo: George Kraychyk (Hulu)

Update: it’s cancelled. More here.

Let’s get right to it: Apparently, The Handmaid’s Tale now has a line of branded wines. Why the fuck does The Handmaid’s Tale have a line of branded wines?

Some context for the uninitiated: The Handmaid’s Tale is set in a dystopian near-future, in which the United States has become a totalitarian, male-dominated state called Gilead. In Gilead, women aren’t allowed to read. If you read, you lose a finger. Women are reduced to roles defined by their usefulness to men: Wives (wives) and Econowives (poor wives), Marthas (domestic servants), and so on. Oh, and Handmaids, of course. Handmaids are ritually raped by the Commanders they serve in hopes that they will reproduce, like they’re brood mares. They’re also raped for kicks sometimes. There’s female genital mutilation. There are child brides and many violent acts. Every horror perpetrated by this society has a historical basis. It, to put it plainly, is not fun, light TV.

This bears repeating: The Handmaid’s Tale can be great, but it is not fun. It is not The Bachelorette or some shit. And sure, it often makes me want to drink. Heavily. But my god, branded wines?

According to People, “beginning today, fans can purchase any and all of three Handmaid’s Tale varietals at Lot18.com,” including reds “inspired” by characters played by Elisabeth Moss (June/Offred) and Alexis Bledel (Emily, formerly Ofglen). The piece also notes that the third, named for Yvonne Strahovski’s Serena Joy, is a white.

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Serena Joy should definitely be a white, I’ll give them that. Tell us more about this bullllllllshit, People.

Offred gets a 2017 Pays d’Oc Pinot Noir [that is] “rich and complex… We honor Offred with a wine that will stay with you long after you’ve finished your glass and a powerful experience you will never forget.”

Fuck that.

Ofglen… inspired a 2017 Rogue Valley Cabernet Sauvignon, “a daring testament to the heights that Oregon Cabs can reach [with] a warm, spicy finish.”

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Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that.

Serena Joy’s 2016 Bordeaux Blanc is considered “sophisticated, traditional and austere… hiding layers of approachable white grapefruit and lemongrass.”

Absolutely fucking not.

You know what the unkindest cut of all is in all this hot garbage? Offred and Ofglen are the names assigned to them by Gilead, because they are no longer people, they are Of Fred and Of Glen. We think this is Of Shit. Their names are June and Emily, you creepy fucking assholes. Honor them with bullshit branded wines called JUNE and EMILY.

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You can get these fucking wines on the fucking website listed a-fucking-bove. The Handmaid’s Tale finishes its second season tomorrow on Hulu, and you can read coverage of the finale over at The A.V. Club in the morning. And if you’re also real damn pissed about this, well: Nolite te Handmaid’s Tale-branded wines carborundorm.