The Food That Didn't Get Eaten On The Bachelor, Week 5: A Farewell To Bar Cart

If you've ever wondered what "a bad edit" looks like in reality television, well:

This week was primarily about the ignominious exit of Victoria the Human Bar Cart, a walking example of why reality TV villains are so inescapable (and, let's face it, often irresistible.) It's far from the only thing that happened—they literally shoveled shit, among other things—but the first half of these long two hours centers largely on ushering Anna (quickly) and Victoria toward the towering doors of the Nemacolin Shopping Plaza And Cross-Promotional Retreat.

When people appear on shows like this one, they're coaxed and prodded and encouraged to act a certain way, because drama = plot. No one would watch Matt James's Journey To Find Love if it was nothing but him going on dates with pleasant, well-adjusted people who all like and support each other. That's part of it, sure—what's up, Tayshia/Zac/Brendan/Ivan/Ben, good job team—but as the end of this episode makes clear, The Bachelor works hard to draw out tension and then capitalize on said tension. Not all bad edits are invited, but if you're foolish enough to act like an asshole on national television, you should be prepared for what comes next. Want to avoid a bad edit? Step one, don't go on a reality show. Step two, if you've tripped and fallen into a reality show and accidentally signed a contract on your way down, remember that the booze and the friendly producer folks are both there to help create drama, not to love and protect you. And step three, if you accidentally tell the world that a woman you don't know is an escort/say a bunch of delusional crap and act like a butthole to everyone around you/give into your petty impulses repeatedly on camera, be prepared for the bill to come due. And always wear sensible shoes, lest you find yourself shoveling shit. Let's get to it.

Yep, he ate some chocolate chip cookie dough with a sEcReT iNgReDiEnT that is, in fact, chocolate chips, right off a spoon wielded by a 21-year-old heiress who doesn't seem to realize that the phrase "gold Bentleys" doesn't really scream hardship.

Not the actual cookies, just the cookie dough. We don't even see the cookies. Was that oven even real? What is real? If the daughter of a hugely successful fashion designer makes cookies in a kitchen that a grown man has recently fake-cleaned and we do not see them, why should we believe said cookies even exist?

This, the second of two one-on-one dates in this episode, is very short. There doesn't even seem to be a day portion. It also includes our second "falling in love with you" of the night, but this one isn't returned. Kit gets a rose, but is obviously headed for "Ivan is someone that has been here" territory. Expect her to go home and weep into her giant pool of money soon.

Macarons and actually baked cookies; savory cream rolls and a plate of beef gravy with croutons on top. Also: Anna's bullshit, Victoria's bullshit, MJ's bullshit, actual goat shit, goat's milk, goat feed, goats, chickens, an airborne egg, and a world-class take-to-the-camera moment.

We'll get to the first half and last act of the episode again in a bit. First, Rachel, who sure as hell looks like the frontrunner right now, gets her big one-on-one, and it involves trying on and then leaving with thousands of dollars' worth of gowns and shoes. The clothes are pretty, the date is boring, they don't eat the cookies. Next.

Before the second portion of her one-on-one (and hey, just a reminder that Kit "made" "cookies" in Matt's "kitchen" and then they called it a day), Rachel was gifted yet another gown, this time one that matched Matt's suit. Like I said, frontrunner. They talked about basically nothing, exchanged "I'm starting to fall in love with you"s, and did not eat whatever the hell is on those plates while surrounded by fake vines. Again, boring, but also surreal. There are like 63 women left! You're falling in love?! That's always ludicrous but here it's especially so. Rachel gets the rose, and then they ride around the Nemacolin parking lot in a horse-drawn carriage. Expect to see her in the finale, but don't plan on seeing any of those dresses ever again. Next.

The group date for this week involves a farm/petting zoo, and the women have to root around in goat shit for a golden horseshoe while buckets of goat feed are strapped to their hips. They also muck out a stable. It's honestly all pretty bizarre. MJ is apparently terrified of chickens, is despised by goats, and cannot catch an egg to save her life; after breaking said egg, she chases Matt around with her yolky hands and he runs directly into an interview Pieper is doing, and then they make out while MJ and her drippy hands just watch. That part's pretty great.

During the evening portion of the date, Chelsea gets some makeout time, and Abigail opens up about her childhood and how that's shaped her fears about relationships and parenthood. It's a pretty great conversation, and Abigail would make a solid Bachelorette. Just saying. Abigail gets the group date rose, and MJ gets a reality check.

Choose your fighter.

ANNA, 24, Chicago. Skills include: repeating a baseless rumor whilst on camera repeatedly while trying to frame her actions as giving the other woman a chance to defend herself from said baseless rumor; regretting it as soon as she sensed that there might be consequences; transforming deliberate, repeated, on-camera repetitions of said rumor into "an offhand comment" and an "out of character moment" through the power of imagination; "crying" on camera without tears; probably being from Naperville and not Chicago in the first place; a solid winged eye.

VICTORIA, 27, Los Angeles. Skills include: refusing to let a bit die even though said bit wasn't all that funny in the first place; misusing the word literally; misusing the word die; using the word ho in a mystery context; delusions of romance/grandeur/victimhood; writing checks her mouth can't catch; throwing tempter tantrums and sleeping on couches; crown-stealing; total lack of self-awareness. Will never, ever date a guy named Matt again.

MJ, 23, Hudson, Ohio. Skills include: Big hair, big hoops, big energy, big lack of self-preservational instincts; failure to understand how cameras work; preaching peace, harmony, and leading by example while practicing none of those things; picking the wrong girl to square up against while believing herself to be the wrong girl; dressing like the villain in a music video from the '80s; incurring the wrath of goats; going home in the first 20 minutes of next week's episode.

Someone please teach these women how cameras work before they get offers to go on Bachelor In Paradise.

JESSENIAAAAAAAAAA! A legend! Gets maybe six minutes of screentime total in the first four episodes and then delivers like this! Jim Halpert, eat your heart out. The screenshot doesn't do justice to this bad bitch, because the giggle is really what makes it art. Watch the clip—and jump to 1:39 if you want to skip most of the loud talking.

That giggle! Put! Her! In! Paradise!

Yes, he does. There's less evidence of it in this week's episode, however, because the producers seem to have noticed it and have switched to an angle for most of his smooches that hides his face, it's hilarious. Plus, we now know for sure that Matt is aware, because the below is from his TikTok account.

That cookie cake is very funny and cheers to Matt for taking it as such. Also, please do what the cookie cake suggests.

The goat, obviously. See you next week.