The Food That Didn't Get Eaten On The Bachelor, Week 3: A Bit Of A Jackass

Reader, don't go on a reality show. Just don't do it. Your faithful Bachelor Nation food correspondent is not saying that it is impossible for a person to have a positive experience in reality TV land; the denizens of the Bachelorverse clearly enjoy it enough to keep coming back, sometimes for years. But it's safe to assume that there are more Sarahs in this world than Tayshias (or even Butthole Victorias) and odds are you're going to end up crying on camera while a human bar cart says shitty things about you to a bunch of people you just met who are also making out with the guy you're making out with, all because some producer said, "Hey, person who is obviously struggling with this experience, if you're feeling uncertain maybe you just need to talk to Matt about it, come on, put on some extra mascara and let's hop in a golf cart and zip across Nemacolin to continue your j O u R n E y, interrupting group dates is totally normal, no one will be mad."

If you do end up on such a show, aim for being a Serena P. Better still, try to be a Katie: game to stir up drama (i.e. make good television) when that's what the situation calls for, but also ready at a moment's notice to stop being a bar cart and act like a goddamn decent human being. And should you wind up in Matt's position, try to avoid making them all super pissed at each other because you don't know how time works. And failing all else, in any circumstance: at least remember to eat something. Let's get to it.

Nope. He drank wine, as usual, and mowed down on some other people's mouths, but no food was eaten. But briefly: Is it just me or does this guy kiss with his eyes open?

This is but one of several instances over the last three weeks in which some definite eyeball has been visible mid-kiss. Is he checking their pores?

Some [expletive] [expletive] and [expletive] off a [expletive], DIY charcuterie board, a probable steak, and I'm guessing some tears.

So we pick up where we left off, with poor Sarah fainting in the way people often faint, which is to say that they start to kind of slump and then some kind soul helps them off the risers so they don't just fall straight forward onto the rest of the mezzo-sopranos, and then they sip some water and go back onstage but whoops, it's still 100 degrees and they're still wearing a black velvet choir uniform, so next time they really do take out a couple mezzos but no worries, by that point like three other people have fainted as well. Matt comes over, talks to her for a few minutes, and finishes the rose ceremony. If you're surprised that Queen Victoria gets a rose, given that Matt is visibly uncomfortable every time he talks to her, I don't know what to tell you. It's reality, baby. They keep the chaos mongers as long as is reasonable.

Then, pow, it's group date time, and a couple of especially shitty buttholes are mad at somebody for having a minor health crisis, but mostly everyone's having fun. And why is that? Because their group date is basically "let's all write Matt James fanfic and make sure it's labeled 'explicit' and 'smut and fluff,'" and it is honestly really funny. Most of them aren't scintillating writers, but hey, we all have our skills. Rachael's seems to be making her extremely vanilla sex scene seem kinda cute. Katie's is being charming on camera and speaking with passion (heh) about the importance of having frank and honest conversations about sex. Victoria's is getting bleeped.

ABC

Tag yourself—I'm the unicorn. It's a lot of fun and even Victoria mostly abstains from being a butthole. So of course, the evening portion of the date is a disaster. Sarah shows up to talk to Matt, even though it's not her date. Her arrival interrupts Katie's chat with Matt, but Katie's not the only one who's pissed; several women don't get any time at all and Sarah's belated attempt at an apology does not go over well. It's not a flattering edit, either. Is this poor woman responsible for her own actions? Of course she is. Should she have signed up for this? Probably not. Is she The Worst Bachelor Contestant Ever? Not even close. She's not even the worst this season. (Hey Victoria, eat shit!)

The next morning, everyone is still mad at Sarah, who is not coping well emotionally—that BITCH, how DARE she have a hard time being away from her father who has a terminal illness during a pandemic? Matt shows up to take Serena P. on a one-on-one date but basically says, "Hey hi Serena gimme five minutes to go smooch somebody else k? Cool." Then he flops face-first on top of Sarah and she talks about being sad and upset and he stares at her mouth and then smooches her with his eyes a little bit open. If this were an Am I The Asshole post, we would all say Matt was the asshole.

Serena's date is very cute, she seems lovely, it's a snore except for when the donkeys show up. They make their own cheeseboard, and Serena says she's "falling in like" with Matt. Next.

I'm not even a steak person and I'm indignant by how much steak gets wasted on these goofs. Serena gets the rose. I'm thinking she's probably a contender. Next!

So Sarah decides to go home. Expect to hear some sturm und drang about it next week, and then one of two things will happen: Either she'll come back "unexpectedly," or that's a wrap on Sarah. I'm guessing the latter. Matt is sad. As he kisses her goodbye, he can presumably see every single year on her eyelashes, because his eyes are open, because he kisses with his eyes open. Have I mentioned that?

One last thing: This was addressed above, but it's worth repeating that whether you like Dildo Katie or not, she handled this about as well as anyone could. She goes in to "clear the air" at the behest of a producer her conscience, tries to convince her to stay so she won't be a what-if for Matt, and then stops playing the reality game and just listens and empathizes once Sarah confides the reality of her family's situation. She also doesn't run to tell all the other women every sad detail, because it's none of their business, and reminds them that they don't know each other that well and should stay "classy" i.e. not be buttholes to someone in obvious emotional distress just because you're peeved at them about a teevee show. Cheers, Katie.

Can you imagine going on a date with somebody and they kick things off by making you wait with the rest of his girlfriends while he goes to open-eye kiss yet another girlfriend? Serena P. deserves a much, much fancier charcuterie board.