Hi, folks! It’s been a while. (It has not been anything resembling a while.) If the hiatus betwixt the end of Tayshia’s Journey To Find Love and Matt’s Journey To Find Love seems to have been especially short—like, “had to bring a stool to hug the tall man” levels of short—you have correctly assessed the situation. But while 2020 is behind us, its ghost lingers on, taxing your faithful Bachelor Nation food correspondent with following the efforts of another hotel’s kitchen long before the memory of the La Quinta Econo Spa And Coachella Historical Museum has faded. Like the Backstreet Boys, The Bachelor franchise is insisting it’s back, ALL RIGHT, despite having only been gone for a second.
And speaking of ghosts:
Thank you, casting goddesses! Let’s get to it.
He did! Not really by choice, mind you. It was all forced fun, if you know what I mean. But the premieres aren’t usually all that food-heavy, so I’m grateful for the weird gimmicks. In fact, for once, what we’re really short of is food that doesn’t get eaten, though to be fair there was still a lot of meatball and sauceless pasta left at the end of the gimmicks. So let’s switch the order up this week. We’ll come back to the dry noodles in a moment.
Delicious-looking chicken and biscuits and unseen and perhaps fictional pizza. Also, some made-up stuff, but more on that later.
So, you’ve met Matt James! Chris Harrison opens the show by explaining that, no, you haven’t gone crazy; this guy has never been on a Bachelorverse show before. He does not mention that Matt was in Tyler Cameron’s TikTok “quarantine crew,” and if you have no idea what that means, you’re making better life choices than I. Chris Harrison also introduces us to our new hotel, a many-chandeliered behemoth with too many steps. And we get a little intro video about the Mattchelor (gross, sorry) in which he talks briefly about his childhood as the biracial kid of a single mom, his work as a commercial real estate broker/professional hot person in New York, and, briefly, the work he does with underprivileged kids. That’s why that hand in the photo is so small. I mean, I’m assuming that’s why. They could just be really big biscuits, I suppose. Regardless, he doesn’t eat them; no time for biscuits when we’ve got an hour of awkward entrances through which to slog. And speaking of:
The best thing about these early episodes is that it’s impossible to remember anyone’s name unless they get a lot of camera time, and even then it’s not a guarantee. Sorry, Curly-Haired Pizza Lady; your producer failed you by not telling you we couldn’t see your face, someone definitely locked the door on that car for giggles, and Matt didn’t even look at the pizza, which is fine because it might not even exist. Did you get a rose? No idea. See you next week, or not.
A bite of meatball presumably stuffed with a sketch from a 1998 episode of Saturday Night Live; some pasta with absolutely nothing on it that was probably also cold and tacky, qualities it shares with many a Bachelorverse
combatant potential spouse; sweet tea; water from a firehose and/or from a person who fundamentally and perhaps willfully understands idioms; and as always, wine and face.
Alas, Pizza Lady didn’t attempt to capture the magic of a classic 1998 Saturday Night Live sketch, so her bit didn’t play. Also, where did that giant meatball come from? Her purse? Did she bring it from home? Didn’t she have to quarantine for two weeks? Did she use the hotel kitchen to make it? Did she bring it frozen and then store in in the tiny freezer compartment of her mini-fridge? Will Matt have food poisoning next week? Did Meaty Ball Girl get a rose? No idea, to all of the above. But Matt sure does enjoy a dirty joke. Next.
As pictured in the header image and captured in the above video, which is cued to the relevant section. The little slurp at the end is a lot. I know Pasta Girl got a rose, because she had to awkwardly confirm that she was in fact the person he meant to call and she had to awkwardly move someone out of her way to receive said rose. Anyway, nice Lady & The Tramp reference, Pasta Girl. Maybe, if you team up with Defrosted Meatball Girl, the two of you can together make something like a satisfying meal. Wait, am I shipping the Pasta Girl and Meaty Ball Lady? I think I am. This franchise needs some bisexual chaos! Next.
North Carolina Girl drove up in a pickup, and when Matt asked her if it was a stick shift, she gave him a look and said “put some respect on my name,” so she is automatically (heh, car joke) a favorite. Later, they had a little flatbed picnic with sweet tea and who knows what else.
Good job, North Carolina Girl. Next.
Meet Victoria. (Again, cued to the appropriate section.)
Behold, your early-days chaos agent. She walked in and made a beeline for the shit-stirring spoon. At one point, Matt likened the experience of meeting 32
aspiring influencers potential wives to drinking from a firehose, and she did not recognize the idiom nor understand its meaning once explained to her; she basically said, “I’m a firehose,” so yes, her name is Victoria, but for this week she’s Queen Firehose and I am sticking with that. Next.
That’s Abigail! She’s from Portland, Oregon in the way that someone from Naperville says they’re from Chicago. She’s also the show’s first hearing-impaired contestant and seems like a goddamn delight. Matt thinks so too, and they make out before he gives her the First Impression Rose. Also, everyone drinks wine.
And there’s Katie! Katie is here because she’s clearly destined for Bachelor In Paradise, and I am a BIG FAN. Why? Well, first of all, she brought a light-up vibrator and waved it around all night like a magic wand (heh, unintentional vibrator pun), but ABC put a black box over the penile part of the vibe and it made it that much funnier. Here she is, giving a toast:
She also incorporated the vibe into her “can I steal you for a second,” which she followed up with this masterpiece of a talking head:
It was never on my bucket list to boop a pageant queen on her shoulder with a dildo. Am I happy about it? Absolutely.
She is a lot, she got a rose, I’m thrilled.
Meet Saneh. Saneh wore these hooves because she hoped that Matt would think she’s the G.O.A.T. She did not get a rose, but I promise you, she was more comfortable than the rest and as a bonus did not fall on any of the hotel’s 52,345 steps. Justice for Saneh. See you next week.