Oh my god my turkey has not thawed properly

A beautiful, picturesque turkey on a platter hitting the Thanksgiving table
How do I get to this point!!!!!
Photo: Maren Caruso (Getty Images)

It’s my first time not going home for Thanksgiving, and since my boyfriend and I are essentially merging households with another couple for the winter, we’re spending the day with them. Several of us, myself included, are Thanksgiving traditionalists, so we knew we wanted a turkey—but we’re also bad to the bone, which is why I purchased a 10-pound Popeyes Cajun Turkey for the big day. In theory, the Popeyes turkey is the absolute easiest turkey on today’s poultry market. You’re supposed to thaw it in the fridge for 48 to 72 hours prior to cooking, then pop it into the oven for roughly 90 minutes.

The only problem: my godforsaken turkey has not thawed properly.

I did everything right. I popped the thing into the fridge to thaw around noon on Monday. Today is Wednesday, and the thing is still hard as a rock when poked. I have approximately 26 hours until it’s supposed to go into the oven, and I am very afraid. I mean, the thing cost me 40 simoleons. So I trawled the internet to find out how I get from frozen to “Frick yeah, serve it up!”

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My findings were twofold: first, it’s apparently pretty easy to tell if your bird is thawed all the way through. Mine is hard as a goddamn rock, so it’s definitely not thawed. But if yours seems dubiously thawed, try unwrapping it and copping a feel. A properly thawed turkey’s legs and wings should move freely, and the breasts should be receptive to pressure.

Second: according to my Takeout coworkers, the best way to conduct a last-minute thaw is to submerge your turk in a chilly bath. Plop it into the container of your choice (cauldron, pot, whatever) and place it directly under a lightly drizzling faucet of cold water. Finally, change out the water every 30 minutes so it doesn’t warm up to room temperature.

Excellent tips all around. But I’m still baffled as to why the thing didn’t thaw over the course of three-ish days. What did I do wrong? What fatal mistakes can I avoid next year, when I inevitably purchase another Popeyes turkey because this thing is going to taste awesome? Please advise, dear commenters.

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.

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DISCUSSION

hendenburg3
Cayde-6's Unloaded Dice

Instructions on Turkey:
“Takes up to 72 hours to thaw”

Author, 48 hours later:

I did everything right. I popped the thing into the fridge to thaw around noon on Monday. Today is Wednesday, and the thing is still hard as a rock when poked.

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Okay, serious question:

Where in your fridge did you put your turkey? A fridge is not uniform in temperature. Since cold sinks, the bottom shelf is the coldest, while the top shelf is the (usually) the warmest.  Also, what is the temperature setting in your fridge? If you have it towards the colder end of the range, of course it will take longer.